June 06, 2005

Good day, to the fellow bocce players. I-a come before all of you, as a fellow fan of-a the B.O.O.B.S. and servant. I, the Pope have been told many of you have-a some questions and are-a seeking the guidance. Thees fact it does not surprise the Pope, as I know you are all chronic, how you say, boozehounds. I-a welcome this opportunity to engage my-a fans, and I-a the Pope look to receive more of-a your letters. And now to-a the letters. God bless all of you.

Dear Pope Benedict:
I have a crazy friend who says he likes to play bocce sober, is he crazy? Please tell me that people like this don’t go to heaven.

Very truly yours,

Drunkin child molester and devout Catholic

Drunkin child molester and devout Catholic:

Ho ho ho ho, your letter it make-a da Pope laugh-a very very motch, now I see how you have-a the good taste in sexual partners. Thees-a guy he play-a da bocce wit no beer, dios mio sancti spumante, I am very old man, I never before hear such crazy things. But now I give you my advice. Thees guy he-a not your friend, he is nobody’s friend but only the friend of the gays. You excommunicate him from your game, and you never utter his name again. You hear? Never. I must-a answer more letters, but you, you keep up-a da bocce, I can tell by-a the way you spell-a, you do-a very well with that.

Humbly Yours,

Pope Cardinal Joseph Ratzinger Benedict XVI

Dear Pope Benedict XVI,
If God is “all powerful” can he place a Pallino so far away from the starting box that he himself can’t reach it with a bocce ball? Does the Bible address this situation? It really has me questioning my faith.

Love,

Thinking of moving to Satanism because its easier to figure out

Thinking of moving to Satanism because its easier to figure out:

Love? Love! My friend I am a, how you say, dude? From your bocce related-a query I assume you are-a the same. You must-a be one of the gays my friend DCMADC write me about. He funny, no, a guy who play-a da bocce with no beer, no beer. Forgive me, I-a digress, that still get me. But you, you are, you are-a screwed. If I may, allow the Pope to-a read his favorite Old Testament passage. It say:

And on the 8th day, God slaughtered the gays.—Gen. 6:9

Thees passage it a mean, that God he no like-a the gays, he like them not at all. Jesus, Jesus he no like the gays very much either. Your friend Satan he love-a you guys. He like-a to call them his boysss. All lispy and, how you say-a, faggy. You know how you-a talk. So my friend TOMTSBIETFO, you will be going to the hell. Enjoy there is no of da bocce in Hell.

Pope Cardinal Joseph Ratzinger Benedict XVI

Hi the Pope. How are you? I am ok, but I do have one question for you.
There is this boy i like and I don’t know if he likes me. He talks to me a little when he calls me fat and ugly and that I have the biggest ass that he has ever seen. He also kicks me and pushes me down stairs. I know that he is flirting with me because he playfully hits me but sometimes he hits too hard… Anyways. What should I do? Should I ask him out? I know you can’t “do stuff” with girls but I really want help. Thanks a lot.

In love in New York

Ps- We love to Bocce together, but he plays by different rules. He throws the balls at my face and shouts “Die”. He is too cute.

In love in New York:

Your letter, it touch-a the Pope the most this week. I see many-a woman in situations like-a yours. The woman they-a come to the Pope, they come hysterical, they come-a shouting non-sensicals, the only words the Pope make out of this be some reference to something known as the-a “Duffy”. The Pope he see this all-a the time. This-a boy he-a no good. I never hear of somebody playing the bocce off a woman face. Maybe he misunderstand the meaning of “Bocce” or as we say in Italy, “Baci” it-a means kiss. You see in “Bocce” the thrower, he supposed to throw-a the ball at the pallino to score-a the points. Thees boy he seem to not understand the rules. You must beat him all the time. The Pope say, “Good for you”. You keep winning at the bocce, next thing you know you are voting in-a the elections. The Pope he is all for you and supporting the women.

Humbly Yours,

Pope Cardinal Joseph Ratzinger Benedict XVI

Pope Benedict XVI is an esteemed contributor to www.bocce-boobs.com, whose opinions in no way are necessarily those of the staff and members of B.O.O.B.S. The staff and members of B.O.O.B.S. understand that the Pope is in fact German, and not Italian, and that our sorry attempts at creating an Italian accent are not humorous and tremendously disrespectful to the Pope, God, and the 2,000 year history of the Roman Catholic Church. It’s satire, get over yourselves.