2017 Turbo Bocce Awards

The 2018 season is starting, and what better way to kick off 2018 than to relive 2017? And what better way to relive 2017 than with a cheesy award show!

Welcome to the 2017 Turbo Bocce Awards … where I arbitrarily hand out accolades in random made up categories to whoever comes to mind first … you know you want one!

Think of this as the ESPY’s of bocce, but instead of having to endure LeBron James and Tom Brady telling unfunny jokes you get to enjoy me telling unfunny jokes!

You’re probably wondering just how prestigious a Turbo Bocce award is …well … lets just say that its better than getting a gold star in kindergarten, but not as good as getting a raise at work. Its not as good as winning a Grammy but its better than winning a country music Grammy. It won’t actually make you famous but it will allow you to lie about being famous. So, overall its pretty good I’d say. You probably want one.

If you win an award you can pick up your prize money at All Star Alley in Destiny on Tuesday’s between 5:27-5:36. The total prize money that our award winners will receive is zero dollars, tying the largest amount of prize money we’ve ever given out for these awards! Look at it this way, at least it won’t cost you anything. These awards are totally free. Yeah you definitely want one of these!

We should probably give out the first award before my monologue goes longer than Jimmy Kimmel’s (or whoever is hosting the Oscar’s this year). Lets start with a good category, shall we? Shot of the Year is one of my favorites. This award goes to whoever made the best shot while I happened to be filming them. Weirdo that I am, I actually did the calculations on this, and it turns out I filmed approximately 1 out of every 400 shots that were taken this year. Meaning that the winner of this award has about a 1 in 400 chance of having actually made the best bocce shot anybody took all year long. I like those odds!

And the Shot of the Year award goes to … Bobby Lupi, for what I’m going to call the Houdini Shot.

This shot deserves a little bit of analysis, so lets get to it. There are no fewer than FIVE blockers in the way when Bobby sets up to shoot. Instead of throwing his ball over the top of the blockers he decides to roll right through them … not the decision I would have made, but then again I don’t posses the kind of black magic that Bobby obviously has working for him. At this point one of two things happens, either he rolls his ball at such a perfect speed that it knocks one of the blockers just out of the way just enough to get by and settle right next to the pallino, or his ball enters some kind of parallel dimension for a fraction of a second and then renters Earth’s atmosphere right next to the pallino. After watching this video ten times or more I still can’t figure out which one it is, probably the second. I wonder what kind of spin you have to put on the ball to send it into an alternate dimension? Either way this bit of bocce magic makes everything David Blaine has ever done look like crap! Congrats Bobby!

Runner up: Pat Sherlock for what I will call the Fuck Your Blocker Shot

When I first saw this highlight I thought it was going to win the award. Its just such a tough shot to make, from long distance with a really close blocker right where you never want a blocker to be. If you watch Pat’s throw, you can see the side spin he has to put on it when he throws, which is the toughest kind of spin to get right … yet he gets everything exactly right. Bonus points, this shot also came in the playoffs, where his team reached the final four.

I call this next award the Awesome Award, it goes to the person who is the most awesome.

And the winner is … Jayson Grey for having this awesome Turbo Bocce billboard put up.

And the Runner up goes to … Jayson Grey again! His awesomeness could not be contained in just one award, that’s how awesome he is.

Our next award is new this year. Its called the Sexy Butt Award. You’re probably wondering why I’m giving a Sexy Butt award out … well … back off … I don’t have to explain myself to you!!!

And the award goes to … Corey Bramhall for winning bocce Jeopardy this year, in which my favorite category was “Everybody Loves Anal.” In this category every answer had the letters A-N-A-L in it, so the answers were canal and analog and things like that, you get it.

Runner Up: Andy Thompson, who was the runner up in this Jeopardy game, and perhaps coincidentally also has a very sexy butt.

I like to call our next award the Scrooge McDuck Award. Everybody hates Ebeneezer Scrooge, but everybody loves Scrooge McDuck, always remember that what really matters isn’t your personality or how rich you are, but whether Scrooge is your first name or your last name … and possibly whether or not you’re a duck.

And the winner is … Greg Griffo. He won the Tuesday League, the Wednesday League,the Fantasy Football League, and the Syracuse Italian Fest. All of these competitions come with cash prizes. I did a little math, and Greg’s team’s won a combined $1,900 in 2017. Not bad. Think he’s swimming in it as you read this?

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You know who people love even more than Scrooge McDuck? Crack! The people who try it seem to really like it, and it inspires all those funny memes. The Crack Award goes to the most loved bocce player.

And the winner is … Dino Franceschi. The guy came with wine every week and was not shy about sharing it. How can you not love that!

The award for Best Two-Part Video Stalking Series goes to … Andy Ingalls whom I filmed getting hit with a stray bocce ball from on the top of the hill, and then filmed throwing an ace like nothing ever bothers him.

The Beautiful Mind Award goes to the smartest bocce player of the year … and the smartest bocce player of the year is determined by fantasty football … the closest thing we have to an IQ test.

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And the winner is … Greg Griffo, for coming in 1st in fantasy football.

Runner up … John Bauman for coming in 2nd.

Best time that somebody shouted “I Fucked Your Mom!”

Of the many, many, many, times I heard those words in 2017, this was my favorite …

My favorite new Jeopardy category … they give you a celebrity and you give who F’ed their mom (otherwise known as their dad).

 

Because everybody loves the hill and nobody ever has any complaints about playing on it ever… its only right that we have a Best Plinko Shot Award. For the best down hill shot!

And the winner is …. Angela Donahoe. I especially like the camera work on this one!

The High Roller Award goes to the best roller – aka the guy who won it all when you had to roll in the indoor league.

And the winner is … Robb Jones!

Our next award is a big one! Best Single Turbo Bocce Performance! And for the record, in my humble opinion this winner might represent the greatest single Turbo Bocce performance of all time!

And the winner is … Sara Tully! Let me paint this picture. Its the Wednesday League championship. The heat is oppressive. The competition is brutal. Sara is 9 months pregnant. And let me tell you she was the best player in the league on that day. She never seemed to have a bad shot, a level of consistency that’s amazing under the best of circumstances, made even more amazing by the fact that she never got fatigued or overheated (if she did it never affected her game). Fun fact, she is the only player to win Playoff MVP and not win the championship. Through no fault of hers, she lost the championship in a VERY tight 3 games to Two Testies and a Microphone.

This award needs no build up … Team of the year.

And the winner is … Two Testies and a Microphone. They won the Wednesday League regular season, then won the Wednesday League playoffs. Then the two members of this team made it to the Tuesday League Championship with different partners, and faced off for the championship there.

Player of the Year. Who’s gonna get it????

And the winner is … a tie! Ladies and gentlemen for the first time in the history of these awards (1 year) we have a tie! Bryan Mullane became the first ever person to win the triple crown, winning the Tuesday League, the 1 on 1 tournament, and the Italian Fest tournament. Greg Griffo won the Tuesday League, the Wednesday League and the Italian Fest tournament. Which accomplishment is better?

 

I can’t decide. Leave your opinion in the comment section, and I’ll leave you with some great shots that didn’t make the highlights last year … for inspiration!