June 16, 2005

To my children, I wish you all good day. The Pope’s friend he-a tell him that his prayers have been answered and the first-a week of B.O.O.B.S it much success. That make me, the Pope, it make me very pleased. I wish you all many of-a the blessings in the future and look forward to helping everyone with the problems.

Dear Pope,

I was wondering if you could tell me when the Bocce Babe of the Week might be
posted on the web-site. I love the site but and have found almost all of what
i was looking for, but I was hoping to be able to masterbate to something while at BOOBS.com. Unfortunately, up to this point, Erik Quilty’s picture
has had to suffice. I’m just worried about getting caught by my mom, or what
my friends might think if this gets out. Thank you Pope.


Anxious and Horny.

P.S. This is confidential like in the confessional right?!……

Anxious and Horny,

Yes, yes my child everything ask of a the Pope he keep a secret for all of his children. I too am looking forward to bocce babes at which I like to look at, I may be a the Pope, but you know I a still a man, haha Pope love-a to-a look at the ladies. You say you want to masturbate to pictures of the bocce babes? I can not agree with this. The masturbation it is evil, and for a B.O.O.B.S. man which-a the Pope he assume you are, this motch motch worse. You see the-a masturbation, it causes, the-a how you say, it causes the hair on the palms, and if you ever throw the-a triple click backspin in swinger you know having the hair on-a your palms, it no allow this. Ask your friend-a Erik Quilty, I hear he once masturbate to pictures of-a the goats, they were doing it. I hope-a the Pope he helps you out, he love you very much, but-a not that way.

Humbly Yours,

Pope Cardinal Joseph Ratzinger Benedict XVI

Dear Pope Benedict XVI:

Forgive me Father for I have sinned. It has been one year since my last confession, but this is the first time I have ever given confession to the Pope.
Unfortunately, I have broken one of the Ten Commandments. Commandment number six – Thou Shall Not Kill. The worst part, Father, is that I feel no regret whatsoever. In fact I had an overwhelming feeling of unadulterated joy when I committed this sin, and I have been on a strange high ever since. In fact, I don’t know if I want to stop, or even if I can stop.
I will be tempted to kill again next Tuesday as 6:00 at Longbranch Park, and every Tuesday thereafter. The reason for this, is that I am a bocce player, and my team kills every opponent that dares stand in our way. This week I slaughtered an innocent team that never stood a chance, and it was not pretty. Who knows what will happen next week. The only thing I’m sure of is that another team will be destroyed, and it will be at my hands.
God help me, I have killed, I am proud of it, and now that I have a taste for killing I fear that I have become an unstoppable killing machine. Please guide me Father.


Tipp Hill Tossers

Tipp Hill Tossers,

You sound-a very impressive, of course after reading your letter, the Pope feel that you already know that. Unfortunately for you, you have-a broken the Pope’s, his First Commandment:

Thou shall not be an arrogant prick.

Your letter it strike the Pope as being such. You see no one truly has-a mastered the Bocce, only the bait. You see the Pope, he make-a the joke. The Pope he spend no more time to-a further your propaganda letters, beside he hear of a certain team of “Jodys” who will be waiting in a few weeks.

Pope Cardinal Joseph Ratzinger Benedict XVI

Dear Pope,

I traveled a whole 4 clicks to a bar and when I got there, there was a girl. I was pissed. Not only was she there, but she was all over her “man”. Is there anyway we can get a ban on ladies at the bar? At the very least get these trife bitches off their boyfriends at the bar. No one wants to see that. While she may have been doing her job, she has no right to be there. Please help.

Hung Over Beer Swiller

Hung Over Beer Swiller,

HOBS, the Pope he hear this question, this question he hear a lot.. I say if the ladies aren’t at the bar, who else serve you the beer. You want a man to serve you the-a beer. The last time a man serve the Pope he beer, he charge the Pope 6 million lira for one beer. The Pope he no go there anymore, no more. The woman she charge you 6 million lira she at least bend over and give-a the Pope a smile. The Pope he likes-a the smiles.

Humbly Yours,

Pope Cardinal Joseph Ratzinger Benedict XVI

How is a hunk like Jim able to be so smart as to code this entire website by hand for free?


Who writes this? Why you no sign your name? You want someone named Jim to get paid to-a “code” a website? How about this ——, Jim he-a gets paid when the Pope, he gets-a paid for being in charge of ONE BILLION CATHOLICS. Please, you sign your letter next time for the Pope, he likes to know who he speak to.

Pope Cardinal Joseph Ratzinger Benedict XVI

Your Eminence,

I have a two-part question relating to news I have recently become aware of regarding your home country of Germany. Apparently Germany is constructing several drive- through “sex garages” in anticipation of the increase in prostitution (which is legal in Germany) that will take place while the 2006 World Cup is being held. These “sex garages” will keep prostitutes off the street, and away from families who may be offended by such practices. My questions are:

1) How do you feel about the construction of these “sex garages?”

2) Do you think there is any way to incorporate the concept of a “sex garage” into the sport of bocce?

Thank you,

“Sex Garage” Virgin

Sex Garage Virgin,

I see you do your-a research, yes the Pope is from Germany, but where I am from we call it “Deutschland“. Very nice, no? I too have heard of “sex garages” in my native country, but the Pope he can not be for them. These “garages” will only serve to-a cater to the rich. What other types of-a people use the term “garage”. A better term, the Pope he-a feel, would be “Sex carholes”, you see everyone knows what a “carhole” is, as that is what the common man he call these garages you speak of. This-a changing of terms would make everyone feel welcome. Your second question it is much less complex for the-a Pope. You see the-a Pope he look at your photos on the site, and he see that you are all so ugly, that-a no one, not even the prostitutes would share your company.

Humbly Yours,

Pope Cardinal Joseph Ratzinger Benedict XVI