Who’s Your Daddy? Now We Know!

POST STANDARD

December 25, 2029

 


 

Who’s Your Daddy? Now We Know!

Associated Press – Breaking news from America’s most respected journalist, Jerry Springer Jr., corroborated by America’s most popular news publication The National Enquirer.

On a recent television show entitled Who’s your Daddy? Jerry Springer Jr. used DNA evidence to confirm with 99.9% certainty that two midgets in a trench coat fathered twins with a horse . . . and also that beloved altruist Santa Clause is in fact the father of Jesus Christ.

Knowing once and for all who Jesus’ father really is should have impacting and almost endlessly reverberating ramifications throughout the globe, while the popular opinion seems to be that nobody really cares what two midgets and a … Read More »

XMas Carol

For a long time my family had a tradition. The men went caroling on the 23rd while the women and children stayed home and baked Christmas cookies. I remember my first time going caroling with the men. I was the only kid allowed to go. We went from house to house singing carols and inevitably getting invited in for beers at each stop. The men all got drunk and I usually got a soda or a candy cane. Each stop meant more singing, more soda and candy canes for me, and more “Christmas cheer” for the men. It was almost as good as Halloween. When we got cold and tired and went … Read More »

Old World Criminals, New World Citizens

In 1717, the British Parliament passed the Transportation Act, which made the punishment of transportation to the New World the preferred method of punishment for felons. Criminals transported from Great Britain and Scotland were forced to sacrifice all they knew, only to be dumped onto strange shores under the thumb of the highest bidder. Although the novel Moll Flanders, by Daniel Defoe, takes place before the passage of this act, it still contains an example of this punishment in practice. Defoe posits, primarily through the character of Moll’s mother, that transportation is actually a useful and good thing, and that the people sent to America are inevitably better off than they were when they left. The … Read More »

Karate Jones

by Phil Martino, Jim McCarthy, and Pabst Blue Ribbon

Karate Jones was a bad mother fucker. He was super bad and he hated school. School hated him. It was a school of the future, and Karate Jones was a student in the future school. Karate Jones hated school so much he quit. And then he became a stone cold player. Karate Jones got sick of being a player, so traveled back in time.

A time that was dark and gritty and prehistoric. It was ruled by giant lizards, but there was one lizard who was king. His name, Charlie Bobo aka The Man. The Man kept all the other lizards down. The Man … Read More »