Get to know your Turbo Bocce Champions

For the first time ever, a team in its first year of competition won the Turbo Bocce crown. As a result a lot of people in the league don’t know much about the guys who won the title. Its time for that to change.

Paul Roth and Kyle Kolwaite make up team Pullout Couch, the 2012 Turbo Bocce champions.  You may not know much about them, but we do, because the Turbo Bocce league secretly interviews all its members at the start of every season (you probably forgot).

Included below are the interviews Paul and Kyle did with Turbo Bocce at the beginning of the season and biographies of both their lives.  This is sure to be an enlightening read for those who do not know Paul and Kyle, and even for those who do (mostly because these interviews are entirely made-up).

Kyle Kolwaite

Here are the answers Kyle gave to our exclusive Turbo Bocce poll given to all bocce players.

Favorite Color: Blue

Favorite Color Person: Brown

Favorite Element with an atomic number of 18: Argon

Favorite non-bocce hobby: Teaching humming birds to drink from my penis.

Favorite Musical Artist: MC Skat Kat

Favorite Personal Quote: I have great faith in fools . . . self-confidence my friends call it.

Personal Biography:

You may not know this, but Kyle is a national hero in Italy, and the thing he is a national hero for is not being Italian. You see, Kyle broke the Italian color barrier by being the first non-Italian to play in the IBL.

Much like Augusta National, the Italian Bocce League has always had a strict policy of intolerance and racism. Rule 3 of sub paragraph C(7) in the IBL’s manual states: The IBL will maintain a strict policy of dumb racism wherever possible and for the time frame of forever.

Quite a stupid rule for a young hero to challenge; but challenged it was. The man with the grand plan to bring non-Italian’s into the world of competitive bocce was Branch Rickio (since Italians always have to have vowels at the end of their names and in this case Y does not count). Branch Rickio needed someone who was strong enough to stand up to the rowdy Italian crowd that cherished their dumb racism, someone level headed enough to not fight back no matter how much abuse he took, someone talented enough to win the league, and someone likable enough to spread his success worldwide. In short, he needed the perfect bocce player.

He began auditions immediately, and they did not go well. Smelly Gary was the first to audition, but it was determined that he was too smelly for the job. Stabbing Sam came next, but he was far too violent. Barry the Booger Picker auditioned as well, but he wasn’t good enough at bocce. Branch was about to give up on the entire endeavor when Kyle sauntered into his office -handsome, able to throw the pallino a mile and cradle his bocce ball right up next to it – Branch knew he had his man, but the difficulties were just beginning.

Kyle now had to go in front of the rowdy Italian fans, who for some reason knew immediately that he wasn’t Italian despite the fact that he doesn’t really have a different skin color (let’s ignore this fact).

“Dont fight back.” Branch told him before his first game. “They might call you dirty names, they might throw batteries at you, they might join up with Germany in both world war one and world war two and then switch sides, but no matter what they do, don’t fight back.”

This turned out to be sage advice, because the Italian’s did call Kyle names, they did throw batteries, and they did join up with Germany in both world war one and two then switch sides (and all the other countries just pretend like it never happened, what’s up with that?).

No matter what the Italian crowd did to Kyle, they could not elicit a response, nor could they break his spirit. He simply went out there night after night and did his job – which was throwing his bocce ball closer to the pallino than anybody else could.

Much to the Italian’s chagrin, Kyle made the playoffs.

He was yelled at. He was punched by opposing fans, punched by racist Italian teammates, even punched by cheerleaders. He was battered and bruised, but he never gave up.

Kyle made it to the IBL finals.

In the finals Kyle met up with an Italian of huge stature and power who, earlier in the season, killed his sassy black friend.

Kyle was used to being insulted and attacked, used to being treated like something less than human, but this time it was personal.

Kyle stepped into the ring (the bocce ring, if you will) against not only an all but unbeatable opponent, but the entire country of Italy and all its people who hated Kyle with a passion.

During the pre-game handshake this bully of an Italian head-butted Kyle in the nose, then whispered “I must break you” and seemed true to his word by dominating the early moments of the match.

Then (as often happens in real life) a montage occurred. Inspirational music played while Kyle and his unbeatable opponent traded almost super-human bocce shots back and forth, punched each other often, and bled. All the while the violent Italian crowd looked on, cheering their countryman . . . but slowly beginning to develop a respect for Kyle, the seemingly outmatched American who was too tough to give up in the face of enormous odds.

By the time the montage ended, Kyle had won the IBL championship and won over the hearts of the Italian people with his toughness, thus ending racism forever (except in the South).

Here is an excerpt from the famous speech Kyle made after winning the IBL championship in the same season he famously broke the Italian color barrier:

Thank you. I came here tonight… and I didn’t know what to expect. I’ve seen a lot of people hating me… and I didn’t know… what to feel about that, so… I guess I didn’t like you much either. During this bocce match… I seen a lot of changing: the way you felt about me… and the way I felt about you. In here… there were two guys… killing each other. But I guess that’s better than a million. What I’m trying to say is… if I can change… and you can change… everybody can change!

Yo Adrian I did it!

Apparently Kyle was banging some girl named Adrian at the time.

Having won fame and acceptance in Italy, Kyle immediately retired from the IBL and moved to America to play in the Turbo Bocce League.

“I’m sick of those Italians” He was quoted. “They’re a bunch of jerks.”

Paul Roth

Here are the answers Paul gave to our exclusive Turbo Bocce poll given to all bocce players.

Favorite Flavor: Beer

Favorite Flavor Ice  Cream: Beer

Favorite bronze medal winner at the 1998 Winter Olympics in Nagano: Hiroyasu Shimizu (Speed Skating)

Favorite Prayer: God, why have you forsaken me? Is it because I have better hair than you do?

Favorite non-bocce hobby: Rescuing orphans from burning buildings and them putting them back into different burning buildings.

Personal Quote: Babies don’t need a vacation, but I still see them at the beach . . . and it pisses me off! I’ll go over to a little baby and say ‘What are you doing here? You haven’t worked a day in your life!’

Personal Biography:

Paul Roth’s love affair with sports began in 1967, his freshman year at USC. “Maybe I was a little naive.” He said. “Considering the fact that I was negative forty-five years old my freshman year in college. All I know is I loved watching OJ Simpson play football.”

Paul idolized OJ Simpson until 1994, the year OJ made a historic run from police in his white Ford Bronco. “I was in a bar watching the Knicks play the Rockets, wearing my OJ jersey and talking about the two hundred and seventy three yards The Juice put up against Detroit in ’73 to this hot girl I met.” It was at this exact moment that the news of OJ Simpson murdering his wife and running from the police broke. “That girl immediately walked away from me. I never got her number, and in fact, she never talked to me again.”

It crushed Paul to know that his hero was capable of such a horrific crime. He gave up on football entirely, but did not give up on sports. “I wanted to get as far away from football as possible.” Paul said. “So I thought to myself . . . what is the opposite of football? Figure skating, obviously.” Paul’s unfortunate choice of heroes continued, as he founded the Tonya Harding fan club that very same year (1994). “I thought it was safe.” Paul admitted. “Tonya Harding was a sweet white girl from the Midwest, as opposite from OJ Simpson as you can get, and she was sure to make the whole country proud that year at the Olympics.

Soon after Paul founded her fan club, Tonya Harding was found guilty of hiring a hit man to break the leg of her biggest competitor, Nancy Kerrigan. “I wanted to distance myself from OJ Simpson, so I told everybody I knew how much I loved Tonya Harding.” Paul recalled. “My entire office knew I was the head of her fan club. Once it came out what she did, they fired me.”

Jobless and alone, Paul’s life had been ruined by his love of sports, and the sometimes nefarious people who participate in them. Yet Paul did not give up. He decided it was time for a fresh start. “I moved to North Carolina.” He said. “The Olympics were now over, and the year was 1995. That was the year that Carolina got their football team. It was an exciting time in the state. Everybody had Carolina Panther fever, and it rekindled my love of football.”

Paul had a blissful four years as a Carolina fan. “Nothing went wrong for so long that I let my guard down.” Paul said. “My favorite player was a wide receiver named Rae Carruth. He wasn’t a big star like OJ was, but something about the way he played just spoke to me.”

Paul was able to enjoy football again. Better yet, he found a job and was able to slowly begin rebuilding his life. All thanks to the Carolina Panthers, and their plucky wide receiver Rae Carruth. “I even met a girl.” Paul said. “We were both huge Patnther fans, and both fan’s of Rae’s. We met at a tailgate party, we saw each other in our Rae Carruth jerseys and it was love at first sight. In no time, we were engaged to be married, it was a real whirlwind romance.”

Then, in November of 1999 tragedy struck. In Paul’s own words . . . “Rae Carruth murdered his pregnant girlfriend. Of course. What the fuck is wrong with these athletes?” Rae Carruth’s career was over as fast as it started and so was Paul’s whirlwind romance. “I guess I never realized how much my engagement centered around that one football player.” Said Paul.

Crushed, Paul quit his job, moved away from North Carolina, and gave up on sports all together. “This time I moved to Syracuse, where I refused to watch ESPN, or the news, I would not even read the paper, I just gave up everything that had sports in it.”

Then Paul’s life changed forever. “One day somebody asked me to play in a bocce league and I didn’t know what bocce was, so I agreed. It wasn’t until I realized that there were stats, a playoff, and they even kept a strength of schedule that the truth hit me. Oh my God, I’m playing a sport!” The news was hard for Paul to accept. “I had a panic attack at first. I thought I’d end up a criminal like all the other athletes in my life . . . but bocce is just so much fun I couldn’t give it up.”

For once Paul found a sport that didn’t let him down. “After I rebounded from my panic attack, I ended up winning the Turbo Bocce championship! Now I am rich and famous and every woman I meet wants to sleep with me!”

At the end of his long road, Paul finally found an athlete worthy of admiration . . . himself.

“Bocce has even rekindled my love of sports in general.” Says Paul. “I think I’m done with football and figure skating, there are just too many bad memories, but maybe another Olympic sport will be good. Have you heard of that South African runner with no legs? That’s a really inspirational story. Who wouldn’t love a guy like that. Even Katt Williams has a stand up routine about him (poor little ting ting). Now there is a true hero, like myself, who I can feel good rooting for.”

Good luck Paul. If there is one thing we here at Turbo Bocce know, its that he has big shoes to fill if he wants to duplicate your athletic excellence.

  • scotti

    ima tink you maka lotsa stuff up.if dis
    all true ima gonna beata der ass dissa year. wid somma help from me partner jim,
    you kknow da one who drinks, bigga time!