Turbo Bocce gave out nine regular season awards (with three more coming for the playoffs) and its time we gave due recognition to our regular season award winners.
Regular Season Champions
Team: Black Jesus
Names: Phil Martino and George Christou
Black Jesus’s accomplishments are approaching “Jesus’s” level of accomplishments. Lets check the tail of the tape for a comparison.
Jesus turned water into wine – – Black Jesus turned money into wine
Jesus walked on water – – Black Jesus walked all over the hopes and dreams of their competitors on the way to winning a regular season title.
Jesus conquered death by resurrecting Lazarus and then himself – – Black Jesus is working on conquering the bracket of death.
Getting closer Black Jesus . . . getting closer.
Best Bocce Player In Syracuse
Name: Monica Angelosanto
When asked how it felt to be the best bocce player in Syracuse, Monica responded “What does it mean to be the best? It means you have to be better than the number two guy. But what gratification is there in that? He’s a loser—that’s why he’s number two.”
That’s the best answer ever! Monica is the best of all the people who are the best at something. Think about that for a second, and just let it blow your mind! That movie Best of the Best would have been about Monica’s life if she wasn’t a small child when it came out – and it wasn’t already about karate or something lame like that. Speaking of karate, I get that song from Karate Kid in my head every time I see Monica.
Most Points Scored
Name: Bill LaBrake
Team: Easy Duz It
Points Scored: 200
Two days after Bill scored his record breaking 200th point, he received a visit from a mysterious Japanese octogenarian known only as MJC. MJC is the inventor of Donkey Kong, and its all time high scorer. After conquering the video game world, MJC turned his genius to creating a shrine for his greatness. High atop Mount Everest (the highest point on earth) MJC built his initials in enormous 500 foot high letters that can be seen from space. Thus ensuring that all space aliens (and the people who live in the villages his huge letters have plunged into eternal darkness) will forever remember his accomplishments. Over the years MJC has graciously added the initials of some of the worlds other great high scorers to his shrine. Bill was honored to be the latest high scorer to have his initials fixed forever onto the top of Mount Everest, but he soon plunged into depression when he learned that both POO and ASS were taken – the first by Wilt Chamberlin who owns the high score for basketball, and the second by Wilt Chamberlin, again, who owns the high score for having sex with women.
Most Aces (tied) & Rookie of the Year (tied)
Name: Justin McLaughlin
Team: Blue Balls
Points Scored: 174
Justin McLaughlin is the ace leader, so clearly his aim is perfect on the bocce field. What you may not know that his aim is actually perfect in all areas of life. This comes in handy when playing darts or peeing staining up, but its actually a serious disability. For one, everybody he knows asks him for help painting, and even more seriously Justin is doomed to impregnate 100% of the women he has sex with. The Pentagon actually had to get involved by developing a $6 trillion dollar birth control system that works by using tiny vagina sized drones to intercept and eradicate the threat of Justin’s perfectly placed sperm. This expensive endeavor has worked though, Justin will now impregnate only 97% of the women he has sex with.
Most Aces (tied)
Name: Angela Morosini
Team: Double A’s
Number of Aces: 14
You might know that Angela is the first woman to win a Turbo Bocce regular season medal, but did you know that this is not the only glass ceiling she has broken? Her professional accomplishments have lead the city of Syracuse to be one of only 16 US cities where women make more money than men. Bob Jenkins, the chairman of a local sperm bank, said publicly that he is so inspired by Angela that he is going to follow in her footsteps by opening his doors to women and allowing them to donate sperm. He was later fired for being an idiot.
Rookie of the Year (tie)
Name: Joe LaCelle
Team: Stealth Fox 3
Points Scored: 174
Joe scored more points than any rookie who has ever played Turbo Bocce (with the exception of Justin McLaughlin). Imagine being that good at something the very first time you try it. This has been the story of Joe’s life. When he was born he taught his doctor an improved technique for cutting the umbilical cord, then he burped his mom. Throughout school, Joe was a terror because he always instinctively knew the subject matter better than the teachers themselves. If there was an award for making teachers cry, Joe would have won it ten times over. Maybe someday there will be and Joe will receive the recognition he deserves . . . but probably not. At least he will always have his rookie of the year medal as proof of his precocious genius.
Name: Greg Griffo
Team: Los Moppines
Number of Bocces: 65
Greg is not pictured because he is in Italy at the moment. Presumably training secretly for the Turbo Bocce Playoffs. I bet he’s in a remote cabin doing sit ups while somebody smacks his stomach, then running up a snowy mountain while evading Russian spies. He probably has a small picture of Bill LaBrake taped to his mirror that he yells at every day. Either that or he’s on vacation and he’s partying. I’m really not sure.