News & Notes

Its been a big exciting few days. So exciting, in fact, that it needs to be recapped in a dynamic article that will make is seem more exciting than it really was. So what happened of note in the last few days? Well there was the big beer fest, the Super Bowl, Groundhogs Day, and Michael Phelps caught smoking an illegal kind of smoke.

Lets start the recap.

 


Super Bowl

I learned a lot of interesting facts about both teams that played in the Super Bowl. For instance, I learned that the Cardinals were the very first NFL team ever formed. Surprising news. I’m not so surprised that the Cardinals were the first team so … Read More »

Who’s Your Daddy? Now We Know!

POST STANDARD

December 25, 2029

 


 

Who’s Your Daddy? Now We Know!

Associated Press – Breaking news from America’s most respected journalist, Jerry Springer Jr., corroborated by America’s most popular news publication The National Enquirer.

On a recent television show entitled Who’s your Daddy? Jerry Springer Jr. used DNA evidence to confirm with 99.9% certainty that two midgets in a trench coat fathered twins with a horse . . . and also that beloved altruist Santa Clause is in fact the father of Jesus Christ.

Knowing once and for all who Jesus’ father really is should have impacting and almost endlessly reverberating ramifications throughout the globe, while the popular opinion seems to be that nobody really cares what two midgets and a … Read More »

XMas Carol

For a long time my family had a tradition. The men went caroling on the 23rd while the women and children stayed home and baked Christmas cookies. I remember my first time going caroling with the men. I was the only kid allowed to go. We went from house to house singing carols and inevitably getting invited in for beers at each stop. The men all got drunk and I usually got a soda or a candy cane. Each stop meant more singing, more soda and candy canes for me, and more “Christmas cheer” for the men. It was almost as good as Halloween. When we got cold and tired and went … Read More »

Old World Criminals, New World Citizens

In 1717, the British Parliament passed the Transportation Act, which made the punishment of transportation to the New World the preferred method of punishment for felons. Criminals transported from Great Britain and Scotland were forced to sacrifice all they knew, only to be dumped onto strange shores under the thumb of the highest bidder. Although the novel Moll Flanders, by Daniel Defoe, takes place before the passage of this act, it still contains an example of this punishment in practice. Defoe posits, primarily through the character of Moll’s mother, that transportation is actually a useful and good thing, and that the people sent to America are inevitably better off than they were when they left. The … Read More »