XMas Carol

For a long time my family had a tradition. The men went caroling on the 23rd while the women and children stayed home and baked Christmas cookies. I remember my first time going caroling with the men. I was the only kid allowed to go. We went from house to house singing carols and inevitably getting invited in for beers at each stop. The men all got drunk and I usually got a soda or a candy cane. Each stop meant more singing, more soda and candy canes for me, and more “Christmas cheer” for the men. It was almost as good as Halloween. When we got cold and tired and went … Read More »

Old World Criminals, New World Citizens

In 1717, the British Parliament passed the Transportation Act, which made the punishment of transportation to the New World the preferred method of punishment for felons. Criminals transported from Great Britain and Scotland were forced to sacrifice all they knew, only to be dumped onto strange shores under the thumb of the highest bidder. Although the novel Moll Flanders, by Daniel Defoe, takes place before the passage of this act, it still contains an example of this punishment in practice. Defoe posits, primarily through the character of Moll’s mother, that transportation is actually a useful and good thing, and that the people sent to America are inevitably better off than they were when they left. The … Read More »

Karate Jones

by Phil Martino, Jim McCarthy, and Pabst Blue Ribbon

Karate Jones was a bad mother fucker. He was super bad and he hated school. School hated him. It was a school of the future, and Karate Jones was a student in the future school. Karate Jones hated school so much he quit. And then he became a stone cold player. Karate Jones got sick of being a player, so traveled back in time.

A time that was dark and gritty and prehistoric. It was ruled by giant lizards, but there was one lizard who was king. His name, Charlie Bobo aka The Man. The Man kept all the other lizards down. The Man … Read More »

The Bocce Bible

Book I: Genesis

 

1:1: In the beginning God created golf (and he did a lousy job of it because its boring and expensive and played by old fat men in goofy clothes).

Heathens roamed the lands and seas (spending most of their time burning effigies and making idols while basically having a horrible time of life).

One of these heathens is Tom (who isn’t thinking about burning effigies or making idols at the moment because he’s in the middle of having a mental breakdown). Today is the worst day of his life.

The economy is dreadfully bad (so bad that money hasn’t even been invented yet) and all over the world bosses are firing employees. Tom is one of the employees. … Read More »