The Bocce Bible

Book I: Genesis


1:1: In the beginning God created golf (and he did a lousy job of it because its boring and expensive and played by old fat men in goofy clothes).

Heathens roamed the lands and seas (spending most of their time burning effigies and making idols while basically having a horrible time of life).

One of these heathens is Tom (who isn’t thinking about burning effigies or making idols at the moment because he’s in the middle of having a mental breakdown). Today is the worst day of his life.

The economy is dreadfully bad (so bad that money hasn’t even been invented yet) and all over the world bosses are firing employees. Tom is one of the employees. Losing his job less than two weeks after asking his fiancé to settle down with him and enjoy a life of comfort.

Tom loves his fiancé more than anything in the world and wants to be with her forever, but he doesn’t think she feels the same way about him. She deserves the best (bright flaming effigies and shiny golden idols) and he can’t provide that for her. He can’t actually provide anything at all for her now that he has no job. And now he has to tell her that its ok if she leaves him because he’s not good enough for her.

1:2: Soon after the beginning God created earthquakes (kind of a jerk move if you ask me, but whatever). The bad side to earthquakes is that they ruin your home and your crops and they kill you. The good side to earthquakes is that its very hard to worry about losing your job when one is going on.

Instead of agonizing over his job Tom found himself standing in the doorway of his bedroom, weeping like a little girl and praying he’d survive the day (all in all its hard to say that is situation improved).

A strange thing happened then. Tom found his pants becoming very tight. Odd than an earthquake should give me an erection. He thought. But the proof was right there to be seen. Here, amidst the greatest disaster of his life, Tom couldn’t help but feel a bit randy.

It was then that his wife walked into the bedroom. She was not feeling randy . . . she was downright horny and desperate for sex. You want it now, during an earthquake? Tom thought but didn’t have time to say before his wife’s clothes were off and she was on top of him.

That’s when Tom came to a realization. This was no earthquake.

It seems that a few of the enlightened folks down the street invented bocce. These enlightened men were cracking bocce balls together with such enthusiasm that the vibrations from it shook the very foundations of Tom’s house.

But these were not bad vibrations like in an earthquake. These were goooood vibrations. Tom and his wife fucked like bunnies for as long as these vibrations lasted . . . and the good vibrations lasted all night long.

Note: I actually made a video of different sex positions set to the tune of Good Vibrations by Marky Mark. I thought it was quite appropriate for the story, but Marky Mark didn’t feel like giving me the right to publish his music in such a fashion . . . like he’s got such great morals. The guy was in Boogie Nights for God’s sake! Nevertheless, I do not want you to cast aspersions upon him my children, Marky Mark knoweth not what he does. This is the gospel truth by the way. It would have been funny if it worked out. Anyway I’m sure you can picture what it would have been like. Different sexual positions being modeled to the tune of Good Vibrations.

1:3: Exactly nine months later Tom became a father. It did not take him long to realize that the baby he conceived during the vibrations from the world’s first bocce match was something special. In thirty years. Tom thought. He’s going to change the world.

1:4: Exactly thirty years later Tom’s son awoke with an idea. An Idea that would open the eyes of the people around him and start a revolution capable of changing our world for the better. Tom’s son invented Turbo Bocce. Now he had to spread the word.

It was a warm sunny morning when Tom’s son (some call him Bocce Jesus . . . while others prefer to call him something less sacrilegious) looked out his window over the land he now felt destined to rule. All throughout the land people lived humdrum lives, worked too hard, and were pretty much bored. Sure bocce existed, but it had fallen into the same mire as golf (allowing fat old people with goofy clothes to take over).

People were unhappy and the world needed a change. This cant happen. Bocce Jesus thought. I can’t allow these people to remain unhappy, not in MY kingdom. Not when I carry so much joy in my heart.

Bocce Jesus resolved to change the world then and there. He simply couldn’t wait any longer, so he confidently walked out his front door singing the song of Turbo Bocce. It was a good song, and Bocce Jesus kept singing it as he walked down the street.

His neighbors took notice. All throughout the neighborhood, men who were on there way to work, women who were taking out the garbage, and children sitting outside bouncing balls heard Bocce Jesus’ song and rejoiced.

The Turbo Bocce song is one of change, hope, and better times to come. People were inspired by this song and couldnt help following along. As the followers joined Bocce Jesus they picked up on his tune and started singing back up.

They knew not where they were being lead, they only knew they were happy for the first time in their life and they wanted to keep following.

Bocce Jesus led them to a non-turbo bocce event where they saw old men sitting around a dirty pit rolling dirty balls at each other. It sucked.

From at least 100 yards away Bocce Jesus pulled a bocce ball out of thin air and threw it. His ball struck the closest ball to the pallino, knocking it out of scoring position while remaining in scoring position itself. His first miracle!

His followers were amazed as were all the old bocce players. Everybody looked at Bocce Jesus with mouth agape. After a long moment passed the commissioner of the boring bocce league walked up to Bocce Jesus and pledged his allegiance. Soon the entire boring bocce league had been converted to followers of Bocce Jesus.

With all of bocce united Bocce Jesus began walking again, singing his song of change and hope. As he walked he gained more and more followers.

Bocce Jesus lead his merry band of followers to the top of the highest cliff in the land. Looking over his kingdom Bocce Jesus shouted his song at the top of his lungs . . . and the people heard it and rejoiced.

Football and baseball games were stopped in their tracks as the players gave up these lesser sports and starting playing bocce. The fans embraced and sang Bocce Jesus’ song of joy as they watched a sport of more excitement and fun than their wildest imagination could have conceived.

Turbo Bocce was born!

Strangers embraced in the streets, sharing in the joy of the birth of Turbo Bocce. Enemies became friends and the world opened its eyes to a new and better era. Everything was owed to the song Bocce Jesus sang, which sounded a little like this . . .