Melissa Sotelo was born in Syracuse New New York in the year 4,300 . . . yes you read that correctly.
Melissa is from the future, and not an ordinary person from the future, a true heroine. The movie Barbarella was actually written about her, but most of the details in it are wrong because the director was not awesome enough to capture the full awesomeness of Melissa’s life. Here is the trailer from Barbarella for those unfamiliar with it.
The director did get one detail right, by depicting Melissa saving the world from a mad scientist who invented a device that causes people to orgasm themselves to death.
The world wasn’t quite sure if they appreciated being saved from this particular device. Actually, once they thought it over they decided that they didn’t really appreciate being saved at all. We all have to go sometime, right? How dare Melissa “save” us from going out in the best possible way! Sure she saved billions from an untimely death. Sure she saved the human race from extinction. Sure she’s histories greatest heroine. All that. But still . . .
Future society decided that it wanted to honor Melissa without actually having her around to remind them of the good time they missed out on, so they devised a super secret mission for her that would completely remove her from society. It involved time travel.
Time travel is impossible, you might say. Not true. It is possible if you fully understand hypermathmatics. A subject so difficult that it takes four lifetimes to learn . . . which is possible once you have a time machine.
That’s extra-impossible, you might say. Because you can’t live four lifetimes without a time machine and can’t create a time machine without living four lives. Not true. The weird guy from Taxi and the Republican from Family Ties pulled it off.
That’s extra-impossible and also stupid, you might say. Back to the Future understood so little about time travel that they actually thought Italian sports cars might be the best way to go about it.
Its true that Italian sports cars cannot serve as time machines. Nor can phone booths. Nor can hot tubs, although these come the closest. You might notice that time seems to pass extra slow in all hot tubs.
Actual real-world time travel is always done in golf carts.
Before you shout about how extra-impossible, stupid, and frankly insane this is, let me explain. Time travel was funded by golfers from the future. Think about it, we all know that golfers are rich old guys who like to take mulligans. And what is time travel but a cosmic mulligan? Who better to fund it than rich old golfers?
Now you see, I’m sure, that time travel is not only possible, but a logical certainty.
Anyway, Melissa was ordered by her government to go back in time and reverse evil events of the last four thousand years by utilizing her most brilliant invention: the greatest alcoholic beverage that ever existed.
The drink Melissa invented is called the Pan Galactic Gargle Blaster, and this is how its made (remember, the ingredients come from two thousand years in the future):
Take the juice from one bottle of Ol’ Janx Spirit (“Oh don’t give me none more of that Old Janx Spirit. No, don’t you give me none more of that Old Janx Spirit. For my head will fly, my tongue will lie, my eyes will fry and I may die. Won’t you pour me one more of that sinful Old Janx Spirit” – Ancient Orian Mining Song).
Pour into it one measure of water from the seas of Santraginus V – Oh, that Santraginean sea water, oh those Santraginean fish!!!
Allow three cubes of Arcturan Mega-gin to melt into the mixture (it must be properly iced or the benzine is lost).
Allow four liters of Fallian marsh gas to bubble through it, in memory of all those happy hikers who have died of pleasure in the Marshes of Fallia.
Over the back of a silver spoon float a measure of Qualactin Hypermint extract, redolent of all the heady odors of the dark Qualactin Zones, subtle sweet and mystic.
Drop in the tooth of an Algolian Suntiger. Watch it dissolve, spreading the fires of the Algolian Sun deep into the heart of the drink.
Add an olive.
Drink … but … very carefully …
The effect of drinking a pan galactic gargle blaster is like having your brain smashed out by a slice of lemon wrapped around a large gold brick. Voluntary organizations exist to help you rehabilitate.
Note: Never drink more than two Pan Galactic Gargle Blasters unless you are a thirty-ton mega elephant with bronchial pneumonia.
Melissa’s mission is to go back in time, and give this drink to all future despots, tyrants, and murderers thus making them drunk, happy, and too distracted to do the evil thing they were about to do.
She launched off (on her time traveling golf cart, of course) and began making her way backwards through time, righting all of histories major wrongs. The four thousands were a breeze, but the three thousands took a long time (that was not going to be a good millennium for us). The two thousands started off easy, until Melissa hit a snag in the year 2015.
2015 became Melissa’s most difficult task. Forcing her to deliver pan galactic gargle blasters (in the disguise of beer cans) to our bocce league.
You know what this means of course . . .that’s right, the next despot, tyrant, or murderer (basically the next Hitler) will be someone in our league.
Don’t act so surprised.
You are now undoubtedly wondering whether or not you are histories next Hitler. My advice, don’t worry. Melissa has you covered. Just drink the “beer” she brings you and enjoy the fact that it is the most delicious, strongest, and best, alcoholic drink ever created. Then simply drunkenly meander about the rest of your life. That doesn’t sound all that much different than the plans you already had, now does it?
Oh, and by the way, make sure to tip Melissa well. After all, she’s traveled two thousand years back in time just to save us from (possibly) you . . . and she still has World War I, World War II, and that guy from The Cosby Show to deal with.