An Epidemic

If there’s one thing I’m asked most often by other backyard bocce bowlers, it’s, “Hammer, why are you always so goddamn drunk.” The typical response to this is, of course, “Dude, you wouldn’t even understand.” The average person can’t really understand just what it means to be a true bocce and beer connoisseur, but we here at B.O.O.B.S. do our best not to alienate these people, our terrible beer breath and the wretched stench coming from our mud-stained shirts and semen encrusted pants does that on its own. But that’s not what I came here to write about today.

There’s an epidemic sweeping through the bocce world, a terrible epidemic almost as bad as SARS, monkey pox, and Bon Jovi music combined. The typical bowler can only cower in fear as this disease comes barreling down upon them like a freight train flying down the tracks toward the young damsel in distress tied to them. What is this epidemic you ask? The answer is one simple word and a couple paragraphs of irrelevant explanation. That word is this: “etiquette”. The irrelevant paragraphs follow.

Your run of the mill schmuck off the street would scoff at the layer cake of behavior that makes up acceptable bocce etiquette, but the proper attitudes and conduct during a match are just as necessary as flannel shirts were to the grunge movement. The typical person would wonder just how these complex routines affect the game. The average person is also a complete moron that doesn’t even know what bocce is, so their opinion is rather irrelevant.

The first problem I see at most bocce games is something that really shouldn’t need to be addressed. At these matches, the people stand around between throws watching politely and making as little noise as possible. This is just absurd. Bocce is a competitive sport, and as such copious amounts of shit talking and distraction should be the norm. While physically touching a player who is standing in the box is illegal under the Official B.O.O.B.S Rules and Regulations, standing behind them and screaming that they are a cocksucker through a megaphone while swinging a beer madly in the air is not. Please people, try to treat the other players with the respect they deserve, which is none.

While on the topic of standing around doing nothing, what the fuck are you people doing with your hands when not on the box? Not drinking a damn beer is what. A proper bocce match without beer is like the ocean without water: it doesn’t exist. Who cares if your moron partner brought a thirty pack of Natty Ice? It’s not like you have to like the guy, and it’s not like you didn’t take a piss in his can when he wasn’t looking because he’ll never be able to tell the difference. If you want to drink “high class” beer, then get the fuck out and go play bocce on clay courts with the other squares.

Rob Duffy said it best during the Boccepot Dome Scandal when he said, “Bitches is trife. As we all know, when a woman plays with balls that other people use, nothing but trouble happens. What are you people doing letting women on the field? If they want to play bocce with the boys then they can damn well serve on the front lines in war and register for the draft first. Maybe then I’ll think about it.” We tried to convince him otherwise, but his in-born misogyny is just too vitriolic, and thusly season games at B.O.O.B.S. remain woman-free. It’s a serious breach of etiquette to allow them to play at anything other than open matches (something we had to fight tooth and nail for. Believe me ladies, some of us are trying to look out for you), and you should expect to be called a “whipped little pussy” if you try to get them in to anything else. As an aside, if you ladies really want to piss Duffy off and get back at him for being such a He-Man Woman Hater, start the L.B.O.O.B.S. or take your shirts off and show us what boobs actually are. We, of course, prefer the second option.

When another player bocces your ball that was previously two clicks from the pallino to a position further away, the average player seems to take it in stride and just keeps trying to play for more points. Fuck that. Proper bocce etiquette dictates that you hijack the game and turn it into “hit the other asshole’s ball as much as possible”. You probably won’t get any points that way, but everyone knows that scoring points is only the tertiary goal in the game, right behind “getting drunk” and “screwing over every motherfucker there in any way you can”. This goal applies to spectators, other people in your general vicinity, and even the aboriginal peoples of Papua New Guinea. Seriously, fuck those people. It’s not acceptable to give your country a racial slur as a name, just to shout them from the rooftops.

Hopefully these simple guidelines will help improve the atmosphere at bocce matches around the world, and show people the glorious sport that bocce really is.

See you on the field!