August 16, 2005

Hello to the bocce friends. It has been a week since I last talk to all of you, I trust you are all keeping up your ban on Wal-Mart, if not the Pope would be very very disappointed. I now go to your letters, and thank you every one who write me.

Your holiest Pope,

I have a problem. See, there’s these guys that I want to play bocce with, but they don’t play by the rules. Plus I think they might be gay.

I think they’d be good opponents, but they box you in from the very start with their wierd rules. And there rules are always the same. They never change, never change.

In this Christian world, change is the only constant. They might not even realize that they’re gay.

I would like to welcome them into our hearts, andyours too oh cleanliest of the holiest ones, but I am afraid they are in league with the devil, playing the same game all the time and being gay.

How can I show them that there are other ways to play, and how can I do this without one of them trying to bugger me while I lay down an overhand lob that leaves
them crying in the weeds like Job? Doesn’t the bible say, “Blessed are the shotmakers, for they shall kick thine wussy asses from here to kingdom come”?

Please help. My magic 8 ball just keeps telling me to ask again later.

Yours in Jesus,

Manly and Not at all Homophobic in Minneapolis

Manly and Not at all Homophobic in Minneapolis

Hello to Minneapolis from the Pope. You know MANAAHIM the Pope, one time he go to Minneapolis, it was very very strange for me. The Pope he saw a man dragging a lady down the street with his car! Can you believe it! There was a guy who standing right next to me I had a tough time to see, you see this guy next to me he was wearing flourescent orange camoflauge coat, when I finally see him, I ask to him, “Does this happen all of the time in Minneapolis?” The only thing I was able to make out from his response, was “pickled” and “herring”, it didn’t make sense to the Pope but he was very very nice to me. I later find out that the man dragging the lady down the street used to play for your football team called “Vikings”, maybe someone should have told this man that he was not a for real Viking.

Now if the Pope, he understand your question correct, you want to play bocce with people but you think they are the gay? This is very very much tough question. How you are describing these “gays”, does not seem to be gay to the Pope. Just because they play different from you it is not a bad thing. In fact sometimes this can work out very good for the two sides. In your baseball this is very true. In your National League they play by better and the more traditional rules, but still allow hardcore drug use, I.e. Barry Bonds, Ken Caminitti, Mark McGwire. In your American League the rules they allow for gimmicky things, like your Designated Hitter, the Pope he hates the Designated Hitter, much like the League of Nationals, the American League also allow the players to use drugs I.e. Sammy Sosa, Jason Giambi, and Rafael Palmeiro. You see these leagues they are both of many many differences, but they have one thing of the same, the use of drugs. Now the Pope he always like to say, “Just say “NO”” to drugs, and for you guys it is of no difference. But you know the Pope he also like to say, “A sip of the vino, a couple or eight times of the day, it does never hurt anybody“. So for all of you the Pope say get drunk, fall down, and no one is gay who plays the bocce.

You write to the Pope, “Blessed are the shotmakers, for they shall kick thine wussy asses from here to kingdom come” This line is very famous one from the Bible, but if you just read one verse down from it you will see, “Blessed are the shot takers, they are really really drunk.”

The Pope also appreciate you said he is the cleanliest, you know the Pope takes great pride in his frequency of showers.

Humbly Yours,

Pope Cardinal Joseph Ratzinger Benedict XVI

Next the Pope he wants to show you some letters and pictures he gets from his fans. You know, I, the Pope, I get many many letters, but sometimes the Pope gets some letter that, how you say, “Freak me out”, here is two examples:

A small group of Bocce loven, ball busting Rogue sporten players has started a few new clubs in Grants Pass. Yes as you can see by some of the Logos we are a
group of underground extreme Bocce Clubs. The rest of America is not ready for us. Our games are played in remote locations out of the watchful eyes of the general public. As of yet no one has been arrested but we all know it’s just a matter of time. If you are not afraid of dark woods, Big Foot and exotic Bocce partners, try taking your game to the next level. Enclosed are some photos ….

Okay this letter it seems very nice to the Pope, these guys they start a new bocce league, they misspell eXtreme, but overall it seems kind of okay to me. But then you know the Pope he is very careful he reads it twice. You can too I will wait. Okay I hope you read it twice for the Pope. Now do you see some of these strange words. The big one for the Pope is the “exotic partners”. Now the Pope has played bocce for very long time, and I have had many many partners. These partners I have described sometimes as strange, not right, mental midgets, dumb as rocks, suffering from AIDS, rocket heads, freak wads, morons, winos, fat, faggy, dumb, Canadian, etc. But never has the Pope seen a player of the bocce which can be described as exotic. Either way, the Pope, he is a trooper, he says okay I will look at the pictures. Here is picture 1:

The Pope is confused and he is infallible, you all must be going cukoo. Why is there a lady covered in roses? Team Bocce Exotica? The city seal below it? Does the city sponsor “Team Bocce Exotica“? Grassy Meadow? The Pope he does not know your language too good, but for serious even the Pope knows nobody say “Grassy Meadow”, except for pre-teen girl poets. Is this a league for pre-teen girl poets? If they are pre-teen girl poets how is the league an “Exotica” one, and why would the city put the seal on it? Does anyone know what is happening? Picture 2:

Okay this is okay for the Pope, a team called the Caveman and there is balls in a cave. The Pope gets it, but he is really scared for the next picture. I show this picture to all of you now. Picture 3:

Another normal one? It is good for all of us to see. Believe the Pope though, I look all over the picture for naked ladies or crazy things but it is good. So now the Pope he feels okay with these guys, so I open up the last picture they send the Pope in this letter. Picture 4:

Do all of you guys, do you see it? It is the woman playing bocce. These guys send the Pope a picture of the woman playing the bocce. If this is the exotica in bocce these guys write the Pope about, the Pope he say “Exoticnahhh” This is all very very bad. The Pope he almost throw up when he sees woman playing bocce. Woman no good for bocce, only man play bocce. This was the last picture they send the Pope in this letter, so the Pope feel okay, that was the worst he would see he could sleep easy. You know the Pope go to bed very early he has to wake up at 4 to pray. You see God is like a fish he is easier to get a hold of when it is very very early. But anyways right before the Pope go to bed another letter comes to the Pope. This is what they write the Pope:

A Photo for your teams….Your team names are over the
top…We all hope you like it

Oh boy, another picture for the Pope, I feel very lucky to get so many pictures from South Oregon. I did not really feel this way. Here is the photo they send the head of the Roman Catholic Church:

You all will be very pleased with your Pope that I personally censored and decided for all of you what you are able to see. This lady she was not wearing a bikini when the Pope first see it, this is no good to send the Pope naked pictures. You are all quite welcome to have this censored by me.

The Pope must go, I have many things to do, but I would like to congratulate the B.O.O.B.S. they have seemed to already make many new friends from around their big big country I wish them all of the luck, and bless all of you.