Bocce Nirvana

Two vampires walk into a pub and sit down at the bar.
“I’ll have a bloody mary,” Vampire #1 asked of the bartender.
“Make that two?” assumed the bartender to the second Vampire whom was frequenting his bar.
“Not tonight, chappy,” answered Vampire #2, “I’ll have a cup of hot water.”
“You got it,” said the bartender.
The first vampire was perplexed at such an odd request made by his friend.
“You’re embarrassing me, man. C’mon order a real drink, we need to get some pie tonight.”
“Nope, I have an idea.”
Both drinks arrived and while drinking his bloody mary, the first vampire remained just as perplexed.
“Watch this,” said the second vampire.
The vampire then took a used tampon out of his pocket, and to the wonder and awe of the other silenced bar patrons, dipped it in his steaming glass of water.
Quietly and proudly whispering to his buddy, Vampire #1, Vampire #2 says, “Don’t you see I am making tea.”

For anyone whom attended 12 years of parochial schooling like myself, this story is one that is as familiar as the chafed head of your overly masturbated penis. It is a story that provides tremendous insight, not only in the monotony of everyday life, but insight that also can be applied to the gauntlet of emotions which can only present themselves under the conditions existant in the sport of bocce. A story which provides a glowing role model we should all follow in the personage of Vampire #2.

This story is one that I consistently examine as the pre-season concludes and another bocce season approaches. It is a story that gives a glimpse as to the necessary qualities a truly fulfilled bocce bowler must possess.

We have all been in the position of last ball, your opponents have just launched their ball within 2 ½ clicks and have an effective blocker 4 clicks centigrade directly in front of the pallino. A truly unenviable position if there ever was one, and one which we have all been in. How then should we approach this. There appears to be two options:

  1. Bowl an inswinger about ¾ weight to an angle of 8 clicks and knock (bocce) the opponents ball out of the glory hole.
  2. Loft a maximum backforce ball at an altitude of 12 clicks past the pallino, backing up your ball adjacent to the pallino.

These options both have the potential of being quite effective, and according to the player’s skill level and style of play, both could serve to win the point. However, you just won the point, now what. You thought entirely too hard about something that was directly in front of you, and while you may be on your way to your final goal, now what? Do you feel fulfilled? Have you grown as a man? Do your friends think more of you? (scratch that one, there are no friends in bocce, only obstacles which must destroyed, continue visiting for a future article tackling this controversial topic) The answer to all of these questions, is “NO”.

I can hear you all asking right now, how then would Vampire #2, and as a fulfilled booce player, should I proceed in this situation. The answer is quite simple. When faced with this situation simply:

  1. Go into your pocket
  2. Pull out a used tampon
  3. Present the used tampon
  4. Dip the used tampon in your drink
  5. Discard the used tampon in the direction of your opponents, or your teammate if he is having one of those days. In fact always discard it in his direction, Who needs the fuckwad anyway?
  6. Quietly and proudly whisper to your teammate, “I am making tea.”
  7. Sip. Enjoy!
  8. Throw the ball wherever you please, it’s Bocce.

There you go 7 simple steps to Bocce Nirvana. And please remember there is no symbolism in bocce.