Free Horoscopes

I read an article saying that “Horoscopes” is AOL’s most searched for word (and I need a way to expel some of the gay-energy I’ve been feeling lately) so I’m taping into the mystic and other-worldly powers that every bocce player possesses in order to create the first B.O.O.B.S. horoscope.

What? Don’t tell me you weren’t aware of the fact that bocce players have mystic and other-worldly powers! Well they do. Surprisingly, the skills needed to throw a perfect inswinger without over-ticking the target are almost exactly the same as the skills needed to communicate with the dead. So shut up and read the rest of the article or I’ll have Val Kilmer put a curse on your ass. Val Kilmer’s dead, right?

Just give me one second to initiate communications with the spirit world and I’ll reveal your horoscopes. This is a very delicate task. If I want to generate comments such as “today is your lucky day, be bold and take a chance in your personal or professional life.” only the cheesiest and most dim-witted spirits will suffice. Therefore, I am required to contact the ghosts of bored housewives who stayed home all day watching soap operas and eating bon-bons; as no other spirits will perfectly embody the unique style found only in horoscopes.

If “Communicating With the Dead: for dummies” has taught me anything, its that these types of spirits love it when you light candles, wear scarves, and talk in a spooky voice. So I’m going to go ahead and put this scarf on . . . I look pretty damn good if I do say so myself, light all of these candles – which I have strategically placed all over the room, and start speaking in a spooooky voice.

Oh great spirits of the underworld, please convey your wisdom to my loyal readers who don’t know how to go about living their lives on this, the29th day of June, without a short sentence of overly broad advice to guide them. And please lump people together based on the date of their birth seeing as how you, in your ultimate wisdom, have determined that this is the most accurate and effective way to foretell what is going to happen to them.

Glory of glories! The spirits have decided to honor my request by reciprocating my inter-demensional communications and revealing the future to me.

ARIES 3/21 – 4/19 You will probably not run across any poison radioactive monkeys today, but if you do, use caution. The spirits say that poison radioactive monkeys are not your true friends, and may gossip about you behind your back.
TAURUS 4/20 – 5/20 You will meet a celebrity today! And not just any celebrity. The spirits say that the celebrity you are going to meet is Brad Pitt! The spirits also say that there is a good chance that Brad Pitt will seek romantic involvement with you . . .so long as you are a dude.
GEMINI 5/21 – 6/21 Today is your lucky day! The seemingly endless onslaught of misery and depression that you call a life will continue unabated, but the weather will be mostly sunny and pleasurable.
CANCER 6/22 – 7/22 To feel your best today, spend more time socializing with others. Attending a coke party would fit the bill perfectly! But, that’s not the only solution. You can also go to any crowded public place where you can mingle with lots of people and expose yourself to all the women, children, and old people in attendance. The screams tell you that they’re happy with what they see.
LEO 7/23 – 8/22 Today you will find true love, and better yet, this time the hooker you find true love with will not have “the clap.” Remember today, as it may be one of the best days of your short life
VIRGO 8/23 – 9/22 This is my astrological sign, and my bocce team lost its first match of the season on the summer solstice, thus I can conclude that Virgo’s don’t have a lot of supernatural mojo working for them. However, the news is not all bad. The spirits have assured me that Virgo’s will successfully expel a large amount of gay-energy today.
LIBRA 9/23 – 10/23 Today a strange looking man with an erection will offer you candy if you are willing to get in his car and take a ride with him. DO NOT ACCEPT THIS OFFER. Candy is high in calories and saturated fat, and has little or no nutritional value. Instead ask the strange man if he has some wholesome fruit, like a ripe banana or a cucumber. If he does not have these on hand, get in the car with him and drive to the nearest grocery store.
SCORPIO 10/24 – 11/21 The spirits say its gonna be a long long time, till touchdown brings you back again to find, your not the man they think you are at home. Oh no, no, no. You’re a rocket man, burning out your fuse up here, alone.
SAGITTARIUS 11/22 – 12/21 You are going to catch a disease that eats your skin and have an hour to live, so try to stay the hell away from Paul Colabufo today.
CAPRICORN 12/22 – 1/19 You are a giver at heart. Don’t forget to put yourself first sometimes, but always keep your eyes open for a friend who’s in need of your compassion – so that you can destroy him. The weak have no place in your life.
AQUARIUS 1/20 – 2/18 Don’t let your previous set backs get you down. Jump right back on that horse and try, try, try again; even though you’re a huge loser and that’s never going to change.
PISCES 2/19 – 3/20 Today your leadership skills are stronger than usual. So much so, that you should put yourself into situations where you can take a greater leadership role. You’ll find that the best way to assume a position of leadership is by assassinating President Bush. Good luck with that.

About Today: June 29, 2005

Celebrities born on this day – Richard Lewis, Slim Pickens, & Gary Busey

If you were born on this day – There is obviously a common bond shared by all of the celebrities that were born on this day. You also share this common bond . . .and there’s nothing you can do about it.

Words of Wisdom– Religion, Family, Companionship – these are the three demons that you must slay if you want to become a successful bocce player.

Lucky Numbers – Your lucky number is 4 Billion, so try to avoid playing craps. “Come on 4 Billion . . .Shit, 7! I need more dice. What’s 4 Billion divided by 6?”