How to pass the time in your dull dull life

Play bocce under the stars . . . indoors. That’s the motto of B.O.O.B.S. brand spanking new indoor bocce court. The most famous indoor bocce court in the world.

Once you know what it’s like to bask in the glow of over three thousand perfectly placed lights, to emerge victorious on bocce’s most glamorous stage, to throw a sweet inswinger, to trust the bias (in short, to play indoor bocce) everything else will suck by comparison.

After bocce, when you’re back in your comfortable bed with two beautiful women fellating you (the usual way to end the day for bocce’s elite players) all you’ll be thinking about is how much you wish you were playing indoor bocce right now . . . that’s how great it is.

If you’ve had prior experience with the Bocce Organization of Beer Swillers you’re probably sitting at home right now taking out your frustration at not being able to play bocce by torturing small animals and cursing God for creating a world where winter exists. Maybe you’re even stabbing yourself repeatedly in the leg just to make sure you’re still capable of feeling something, anything, now that bocce is out of your life. This is all perfectly normal and acceptable off-season behavior. But it’s no longer necessary, because now you can drink cold beer and play the great sport of bocce even on the snowiest nights!

If you’ve never played B.O.O.B.S. style bocce before, get ready for some excitement. Once your B.O.O.B.S. cherry is popped you’ll enter a world of nonstop testosterone driven euphoria that nothing on earth can match except maybe sex with 20 of the worlds most beautiful and horny women while high on the worlds best drug (so good you’ve never even heard of it – ultra crack is its name) on top of a huge pile of thousand dollar bills (throw a beer and a leprechaun in there somewhere too . . . that’s how we get down on Tipp Hill). And what better place to put the extravagant and lifestyle altering indoor B.O.O.B.S. bocce court than the beer capital of Syracuse: historic Tipperary Hill, where the beer flows like water, and bocce keeps going as long as the sluts do . . . which is all night.

Ok, I know what you’re thinking. “Who do I have to kill to join B.O.O.B.S. indoor bocce league? Because I’ll gouge my own mother’s eyes out with a spoon if that’s what it takes.” Well rest assured, we don’t want you to gouge your mother’s eyes out with a spoon . . . why the hell would we ask you to do that? If you’re reading this then you have already been selected as one of the lucky few who have what it takes to join the glamorous, life-altering, thrill-producing lifestyle of the indoor bocce player, and all you have to do now is read this ad from our sponsor, Name-A-Light:


Thinking of naming a star after your sweetheart? Well slap yourself in the face and dunk your head in the toilet for being such an idiot. Purchasing the naming rights to a star is expensive, pointless and downright offensive. FACT: starlight causes cancer. When you name a star after someone it’s like saying “I hope your mother gets cancer.” You’d never say that to your sweetheart . . . would you? At Name-A-Light we have a better suggestion. For the low low low low low low low low (did we mention low) price of one dollar you can name one of the 3,080 lights that illuminate the worlds most famous indoor bocce court. Name a light after your sweetheart today and we guarantee she puts out tonight, and best of all nobody gets cancer. So remember the Name-A-Light slogan – Call Name-A-Light, that’s our name, that name again is Name-A-Light.

And we’re back! B.O.O.B.S.’ new indoor bocce league isn’t just fantastic, its jerk-off-in-a-nun’s-face fantastic. But don’t take my word for it, listen to these testimonials.

I used to wish I was a rock star, but ever since I started playing indoor bocce rock star’s wish they were me -and I was a total schmuck before indoor bocce. I used to idolize Mick Jagger, now if I saw him I’d kick him in the nuts and laugh at what a loser he is. I’d take his groupies too, but mine are hotter.
– Tad Janikowski

My husband had no confidence before he started playing indoor bocce – in or out of the bedroom. He was self conscious about his small penis and male pattern baldness. Now he’s a whole new man. He’s got a full head of luxurious hair, and he’s hung like a horse! Its like I’m having sex with a completely different man without the inconvenience of having an affair! Thank you B.O.O.B.S!
– Jessica McNally

I’d rather play indoor bocce than smoke ultra crack from Jesus’ own pipe.
– A crackhead from down the block

I’d rather play indoor bocce than smoke ultra crack.
– Jesus

I wish I could play indoor bocce. Bocce players make all other athletes look like retarded, malnourished, Canadian, midget, homosexuals with lisps.
– Michael Jordan

B.O.O.B.S.’ new indoor bocce league is jerk-off-in-a-nun’s-face fantastic.
– Rip VonAsskikker

There you have it folks. Whether you’re an aspiring rock star, a lonely housewife, a crackhead, a basketball player, or the son of God, everybody loves B.O.O.B.S.’ new indoor bocce league. Join today!