Joey Musso Speaks

Yo, so I was walkin’ down Salina Street da otha day after a bought myself a choice new gold chain and I sees one a my bocce boys comin’ ‘round da corner, lookin’ all depressed or something, who knows with these bambinos, ya know? I figure he’s just upset at his little lady for beatin’ him at the last B.O.O.B.S open, so I says to him, “Hey, look at dis guy, thinks he knows bocce,” tryin’ ta rag on him, ya know? He jus’ walks up to me all slow and hunched ova like someone jus’ stole his favorite corkscrew or somethin’, and he says, “Yo Joey, my goomah jus’ trew me out da house.”

Now I jus’ kinda stop for a second. Dis guy and his lady been togetha’ for like six months, ya know? Almost married. Real heartbreaker when dis kinda thing happens. So I asks him, “Now why she go and do some stupid thing like dat?”

So he does some goofy little foot shufflin’ thing and he says, “Well we was jus’ sittin’ down for dinner down at Mama Tino’s, ya know, da place down ‘round dat Chinese church or whateva? So I order us some wine, nothin’ too expensive or any a dat, but some choice stuff anyway. Well Bianca, she gets this look on her face and I jus’ know she gonna do somethin’ to make fun of me, on account of me losin’ that B.O.O.B.S tournament and all that. So what she do? She order nothin’ but meatballs. I mean who does that? So I was jus’ like ‘bada-bing’ and asks her if maybe she like that Duffy kid better than me jus’ ‘cause he play bocce real good. So we get inta dis big fight and it ain’t goin too bad, ya know? We had worse. Thing were coolin’ down and I was getting’ all ready for the after party in bed when I goes and says that maybe her sister shoulda come and been my partner or somethin’, then maybe I’d have someone not a bitch from dat family around. Well she just goes pazzesco and start sayin’ shit about dis and dat, throwin’ stuff around, you know. So what’s she do? She kick me out like I was nothin’.”

So then I gets real angry and starts screamin’ about how dats bullshit and all dat, no need to go into detail ‘bout it, when it hits me right in da face: we can smooth dis ova with a “Joey Musso Invitational” tournament back at my place, invite her and not tell her dat her ol’ guido would be dere, and then puttem onna same team. So I explain da idea to my boy and he seem OK with it. I mean I don’t like da girl or nothin’, she’s a little slow in the head, if you know what I mean, but then what ragazza isn’t, ya know? My ol’ great-grandfather wouldn’t have put up wit dat kinda crap, s’all I’m sayin’. There’s a reason Duffy won’t let dem inta B.O.O.B.S. So right then and there we pulls out our cellphones and start makin’ some calls around, invitin’ soma the otha bocce boys to the game.

So it’s tree days later, right? Well we’re sittin’ out back waiting for everyone ta show, ya know, and everyone is there like right on the dot on time, but not my boy’s benozzi. It’s like a half hour after da damn tournament was supposed to start and we’re waitin’ and waitin’ and just nothin’. So my boy, he starts gettin’ pissed and all, ‘cause man, what kind of bitch doesn’t show up for a fuckin’ bocce match on time? We’re just sittin’ dere drinkin’ some wine, everyone but dis guy just chillin’ and stuff, but not my boy, oh no. He’s rantin’ and ravin’ about dis girl and how she’s always disrespectin’ the sport. So finally, like an hour later or somethin’ we hear this little ring comin’ from inside da house. It’s da fuckin’ door.

My boy, he goes out to answer it, ‘cause he’s not stupid, he knows who it is. He jus’ throws da door open and dere she is, standin’ dere holdin’ a fuckin’ bloody cloth to her head and she starts screamin’ about some car accident or some shit. My boy though, he’s not havin’ none a dat. She’s all screamin’ about how we need to call an ambulance and how someone’s really hurt or somethin’, but who cares? It was fuckin’ bocce time an hour ago and dis bitch didn’t bother to show up on time. So my boy, he don’t take none a her excuses and jus’ slams the door right in her face, walk trough da house and sits right back down in his seat. Everyone else back dere, we’re all jus’ sittin’ dere tryin’ ta tink a somethin’ to say, but my boy jus’ pours himself another glass a wine and says, “Shit, I’m better off without a bitch dat don’t appreciate da bocce.”

And dat’s how it goes, bocce is number one here baybe, you can’t roll da balls wit’ us when you fuckin’ supposed to, then man, you can go fuck yourself, know what I mean?