WARNING: Due to the graphic nature of this article, which will depict of a level of bocce so abhorrently bad that merely reading about it constitutes a health risk, children under the age of 16, pregnant women, and people with heart defects would be well advised to turn back now, and avoid reading any further.
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Joining the pantheon of great rivalries such as Tyson vs. McNeely, Reagan vs. Mondale, Germany vs. Poland, Hammer vs. Nail, Tsunami vs. Southeast Asia, and Hot Knife vs. Butter, comes Beer United vs. Cunnilingus City.
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In what can only be described as a debacle of all-time proportions, heavy favorite Cunnilingus City, coming off a convincing 3-0 drubbing of Eggs on a Fork and brimming with confidence took on prohibitive underdog, and perennial bottom dweller, Beer United, whereby Cunnilingus City exhibited a level of ineptitude never before seen in a BOOBS bocce match.
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To understand the significance of this thrashing is to understand the history comprising the Beer United/Cunnilingus City rivalry. Who the fuck is Beer United? You might ask. Well, to understand the history of Beer United is to understand the history of BOOBS as an organization. A little known fact about the vaunted Beer United/Cunnilingus City rivalry is that the first ever competitive BOOBS bocce match was a midnight duel played by flashlight between Phil Martino (of Cunnilingus City) and Jim “the Hammer” McCarthy (of Beer United) to determine who would take the coveted name “Beer United” (which was invented jointly) for their own bocce team. Of course, Jim “the Hammer” McCarthy emerged victorious with a legendary 4 point final round to secure a come from behind win, and Phil Martino was forced to settle for the name Cunnilingus City. Ever since that fateful night, a rivalry has blazed between Cunnilingus City and Beer United (and proof of said rivalry can bee seen on our very own forum).
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A second tier to this now multi-tiered rivalry was added on a dark night in the newly discovered country of Canada, of all places, where Jim McCarthy absentmindedly composed the song that was to become the scourge of Beer United’s existence, fittingly titled “Who the Fuck is Beer United?” This song became an anthem, of sorts, for Cunnilingus City and was sung . . .and sung, and sung, and sung much to the dismay of its composer. Until that fateful day when the two teams were scheduled to meet.
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This rivalry came to a head unexpectedly on a seemingly ordinary Tuesday evening in Mid July when the two historic bocce teams collided for the first, and only, time of the season due to a scheduling conflict. Just like any great rivalry, sparks flew when the two met, but unlike other rivalries, when these two adversaries met, sports memories greater than any since Jackie Robinson first stepped foot on a baseball field were made. Unfortunately your author’s memories of this historical match up are fuzzy at best. Why are my memories so fuzzy you ask? Maybe because it was the shortest bocce match in history, seemingly ending as soon as it started, and Maybe because I was drunk, I’m not really sure. All I know is that I was ready to watch a great rivalry, I blinked, and it was over. The only thing I remember is that history was made, I don’t even remember the score.
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Some records will never be broken, and just as Joe DiMaggio’s 56 game hit streak, Cal Ripken’s 2,632 consecutive games played streak, and Wilt Chamberlain’s 100 point game are clearly NOT examples of this type of record, Cunnilingus City’s 0 points in a single bocce match is a record of ineptitude that is sure to span the test of time and in doing so put to shame any and all sports records that have ever been set to date and will ever be set in the future (while at the same time putting to shame Cunnilingus City itself). In fact, 11 – 0 will doubtless now be regarded as a mythical number in the annals of BOOBS history in such a way as to negate the heretofore thought of as “mystical” numbers of 56, 2,632, 100, and even 714.
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That’s right, perennial bottom dweller Beer United has stood tall on the mountain of greatness and screamed into the precipice of immortality “Take that 56, 2,632, 100, and 714!” and when those immortal words were spoken not a dry eye could be found. Especially not the eyes of Beer United’s conquered rivals Cunnilingus City.
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The question “Who the Fuck is Beer United?” has been asked countless times, and never answered. On July 19, 2005, Beer United stepped up to the starting box and answered that question. Who the Fuck is Beer United? . . .A Champion! (kind of).
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I suppose I should mention that there were two other games played between these two teams on July 19. 2005 . .but nobody really cares about those games now do they. After all, Who the Fuck is Beer United?
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