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July 8, 2005

July 8, 2005 by

Hello to all the bocce players. I hear the-a weather it clear up real nice for you this week. You know the Pope he doesn’t like to-a do the brag, but when his friend Phil tell the Pope the weather problem, the Pope you know he make a few calls on the phone, bada-bing you gots sun. He also ask me to make him a good bocce player, what he think the-a Pope work miracles?

Dear Pope,

Your Eminence,

There has been a very troubling trend between my friends and myself. We seem to want to refer to every tasty shot as “birthday cake.” Normally this would not pose a problem, but to this point we have referred to Tullamore Dew, Jameson, Famous Grouse, and several types of Scotch as birthday cake, and I don’t even know what I’m getting anymore when somebody asks me if I want a shot of birthday cake.

I knew we had crossed the line when somebody asked me if I wanted a shot of birthday cake, and I responded with “not that birthday cake, give me the other birthday cake” and I still did not get what I wanted. Somebody has to decide which shot is the official birthday cake, so I figured: who’s more qualified to make this monumental decision than the Pope. Pleas help us.

“Ready to drink”

“Ready to Drink”,

You ask the Pope a long and appearing complicated question. Its answer very very simple. You see these people who buy rounds of shots, they are great for you. You take whatever they give you. Sometime it not so good, the Pope remember when his friend Cardinal Brookso Moatzo he-a loved something called the “Dirty Girlscout”. To the Pope it taste like toothpaste. The Pope no say no though, he may be cheap but the Pope he love to drink.

Ready to Drink, I want you to also remember the shot buying guy will also buy for you beer. Tell him, “I need a chaser.” He will have to buy you beer. I tell to you my friend, when you get good like-a the Pope you go out every night, and you pay nothing. So “Ready to Drink” I tell to you just take whatever the people buy you, and nod even when they tell you the Black Tooth Grin they are giving you contains Pepsi, we know they are wrong, but your liver, it have no clue.

Humbly Yours,

Pope Cardinal Benedict Joseph Ratzinger XVI

Dear Pope Benedict XVI:

Why does Mr. Cristou like to kiss his biceps? Oh, and this girl I like has, what my brother calls, “a flat ass…two flat tires.” What can I do to help her plump up without sounding like the Michelin Man?

Yours in Christ,

Mr. Goodyear

Mr. Goodyear,

This Mr. Christou, his name it sound like a Greek one to this Pope. You should be happy that is all he is kissing, I hear these Greeks also like to make out with the dudes.

Ahhh, to plump up a lady. This area not so much the Pope’s expertise, my friend the Cardinal Moatzo he expert in this field I ask of him for you and I reply for you later.

Humbly Yours,

Pope Cardinal Benedict Joseph Ratzinger XVI

Dear Pope,

OK Pope. I really have to be honest with you here. I just came back from Coleman’s on the hill and the “Tipp Hill Tossers” were the only ones representing. I know they toss each others salads and stuff, but where is the rest of the team spirit. Seriously though, they really suck at bocce. Look at last week…some guy by the name of Sandy kicked their ass on Tuesday. By that I mean the “He-Man Woman Haters!” How can you hate women!? Are they gay??? But the “Tossers” have so much team spirit!! Why is everyone lacking in the area of being proud of their team? I may be drunk, and I still may want to meet Whipple’s sister, and do things to her that she only dreamed of…people should love bocce as much as I and Jim’s sister (CUNNALINGUS!!). I am sorry for ranting and raving to the most holy-ness. But seriously, if we came out with POPE-SOAP-ON-A-ROAP, can I wash my balls with you?? I promise I shave. I love you JESUS!! Write back.

Sincerely,

Mr. Goodyear

Mr. Goodyear,

My child you seem to have many issues. What do you like to know? The only question I see is about washing your balls with Pope-Soap-On-A-Rope? This product it does not exist YET, but when it does I see no reason why it could not be-a used for cleaning everywhere, even your anus. The Pope loves Jesus too.

Humbly Yours,

Pope Cardinal Benedict Joseph Ratzinger XVI

To the people who ask the Pope questions about his hair care regimen and hand lotion the Pope he no-a enjoy these questions and only answer the Bocce questions. I-a see all of you next week. Ciao.

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