Karate Jones

by Phil Martino, Jim McCarthy, and Pabst Blue Ribbon

Karate Jones was a bad mother fucker. He was super bad and he hated school. School hated him. It was a school of the future, and Karate Jones was a student in the future school. Karate Jones hated school so much he quit. And then he became a stone cold player. Karate Jones got sick of being a player, so traveled back in time.

A time that was dark and gritty and prehistoric. It was ruled by giant lizards, but there was one lizard who was king. His name, Charlie Bobo aka The Man. The Man kept all the other lizards down. The Man knew once he saw Karate he hated him. So Karate kicked that mutha fuckas ass. And went back to the future.

And rode on a hoverboard. Unfortunately for Karate the hoverboard did not work water, so he descended into a deep and dark and dank and dynamic abysss. This abyss was like no other.

Karate thought,”This abyss is deep and and dark and dank and dynamic, it’s like no other.”

The abyss was populated by lots of beautiful nude womens. But ruled by a one eyed humanoid, Chico the Mysoginist LXIX. Karate loved the womens and could not stand to have them mysoginized. So Karate was filled with rage. Not just any rage, but a burning rage that develops in the groin and stays there like a rash and burns!, Karate was like a crazed prepubescent dog. He was rabid and mad. Really mad, and super bad. How bad? Real bad. And I ain’t lying. I mean bad. I don’t think you understand. Bad. So he wanted to kill the mysoginist and get the womans all to hisself. Karate pulled out his Killer Zyxoqatar and stunned that mysoginist bitch. Karate liked what he did, and enjoyed what he saw. A stunned mysoginst and lots of beautiful womens. Karate liked the ladies. So he made love to all of them all of the days and all through the nights. This went on for 69 days. Karate was not one for commitment and being tied down. He was not one to be caged and whipped and beaten to the chains of the fields of bondage that the womens we oppressing him into. So he pulled out his Killer Zyxoqatar and stunned all they asses as well. He grew sick of they tired asses and left.

Karate hoped to make it back home, but he didn’t. He ended up in the urban jungles of Comptonia. A distant planet, but not too distant for Karate Jones to feel he had seen this place before. Not like déjà vu bull shit, but this felt home to young Karate Jones. As he walked down the street, he saw familiar places, faces, and folks. This was home. But why hadn’t he remembered being there. Crack Cocaine that’s what!!!!!! It fucked with his memory and it fucked with his groove. But that was OK, because Karate wasn’t perfect, he understood his faults and accepted them, much like a mother elephant takes in a stray. Elephant.