Here Ye, Here Ye. Let all who are present ready thyself and steel thy spirit for this, the first assemblage of the B.O.O.B.S. court of civil opinion. On the docket today sits the fate of one Michael Joseph Jackson as our panel of accomplished Master Debaters will determine conclusively and without question whether Mr. Michael Joseph Jackson is the esteemed King of Pop or the lowly King of Poop.
All rise for the moderator of our court, the honorable Head Chairman.
| Head Chairman: | Please be seated. I now call forth to the stand our first Master Debater, Mr. Eighties McHotpants, who will be arguing in favor of Mr. Jackson. Mr. McHotpants you may make your opening remarks now. |
| Eighties McHotpants: | Thank you Mr. Chairman. I would simply like to say that Michael Jackson is the undisputed King of Pop because he made Thriller. Thriller man . . .Thriller. |
| Head Chairman: | Thank you Mr. McHotpants. Now I would like to call to the stand your opposition; Bitchy Knownothing. Ms. Knownothing, you are free to make your opening statement now. |
| Bitchy Knownothing: | Thank you Mr. Chairman. I would simply like to say: won’t somebody please think about the children! |
| Head Chairman: | Mr. McHotpants, your response please. |
| Eighties McHotpants: | Apparently my esteemed colleague has been living under a rock and does not realize the brilliance of one Michael Jackson. Michael has garnered the love and affection of the entire world with his unique blend of singing and dancing talent that has produced some of the greatest music and entertainment the world has ever seen. Basically, he’s Aqua Man except he has to hold his nose when he does a cannon ball. |
| Bitchy Knownothing: | Oh please, Michael Jackson is a freak who has had so much plastic surgery that he cannot even be recognized from the pictures of him as an adolescent. And he sleeps with children! God only knows what else that monster is doing with those poor children in his bed. Michael Jackson, if that is in fact his real name, is nothing more than the King of Poop. |
| Eighties McHotpants: | Yeah, he’s the King of Poop like a fox! I ask you this; how could somebody who dances so beautifully be evil? |
| Bitchy Knownothing: | Michael Jackson gets credit for being the best dancer in the world but really all he has done is invent a form of dance that translates well to television. While conventional dancing is more technically difficult and more visually stimulating in person it translates to TV about as well as fireworks do. Michael Jackson is a fraud and a child molester! |
| Eighties McHotpants: | Billie Jean is NOT MJ’s lover! |
| Bitchy Knownothing: | You haven’t once thought about the children, have you! |
| Head Chairman: | Quiet! Quiet please. After that rousing back and forth I will concede the stand to Eighties McHotpants to give his closing remarks, and then Bitchy Knownothing will have the floor to give her closing remarks. |
| Eighties McHotpants: | Michael Jackson’s music has been more popular and more beloved throughout the world than any since the Beatles, and given the diversity in the music industry nowadays, no singer is likely to ever achieve the level of popularity that Michael Jackson did, ever again. That is why his is now, and forever shall be, the King of Pop. |
| Bitchy Knownothing: | People love the smell of freshly cut grass, but we all hate the smell of thousands of disembodied corpses. Do you think the smell of freshly cut grass is as unpleasant to a blade of grass as the smell of thousands of disembodied corpses is to a human being? I do, and that is the reason why grass does not have a nose! Wait . . .these are my notes for a different debate! Um . . .Michael Jackson is a freak and a child molester, so . . . King of Poop. |
| Head Chairman: | We will now take a 15 minutes recess while I decide the fate of Michael Jackson. Please hum the song from Jeopardy quietly to yourself for 15 minutes, and then proceed on to the next portion of this article. |
| Head Chairman: |
After careful deliberation I have made two conclusions. The first is that people like Eighties McHotpants and Bitchy Knownothing are both huge jerk offs . . .I mean Master Debaters . . . and as such they are both full of shit. All those Eighties McHotpants out there need to realize that while Michael Jackson produced some great music in the ‘80’s, it does not mean he can go around molesting children without consequence. Why the hell would you celebrate a known child molester being set free? Because he made good music? Is that a rational opinion? No, its not. That’s why you are an idiot and an asshole and your opinion means nothing. On the other hand, all those Bitchy Knownothings out there need to stop crusading and realize that nobody gives a shit about their opinion because they probably just stole it from the tabloids anyway. So before you start whining because a guy you have never met and will never meet is not in jail, why don’t you take a time out and think about the fact that if you really want to help the children you should shut the fuck up and donate money to an orphanage. Oh, what, you never actually thought that you could get off your fat ass and do something to help the children yourself, did you? I guess you must have figured that making the world run is everybody else’s job, and you can just supervise by bitching every time somebody else does something wrong. Michael Jackson has done a lot of good things in his life as well as a lot of bad things, and guess what Bitchy Knownothing, you have no right to complain about the bad things until you actually do something useful for another human being. So I say to you, show me the check that you donated to the orphanage or shut the fuck up, nobody cares what you have to say. My second conclusion is that Michael Jackson is both the King of Pop and the King of Poop. He is the King of Pop for the great music he made, and the things he accomplished, which can never be taken away no matter what he does in his personal life. He is the King of Poop because he is a plastic surgery having child-molesting freak. Did you ever notice that the people who support Michael Jackson in his personal life do so because they like his music, and the people who hate his music do so because they are disgusted by the things he does in his personal life? I’m here to say that the two are not related at all. There is nothing wrong with liking Michael Jackson’s music, but hating Michael Jackson. In fact, that is the appropriate opinion to have because Michael Jackson’s music is pretty good, and Michael Jackson as a person is a fucked up weirdo. Now if you like Michael Jackson the person because he saved you from a burning well or something and you have DNA evidence showing that he did not molest those kids, that’s fine. And if you hate Michael Jackson’s music because you’re deaf, or you just don’t like that kind of music, that’s fine too. But please try to be intelligent enough to separate Michael Jackson the musician from Michael Jackson the person. And remember, there is nothing wrong with having contrasting opinions about the two. |
