News & Notes

Its been a big exciting few days. So exciting, in fact, that it needs to be recapped in a dynamic article that will make is seem more exciting than it really was. So what happened of note in the last few days? Well there was the big beer fest, the Super Bowl, Groundhogs Day, and Michael Phelps caught smoking an illegal kind of smoke.

Lets start the recap.


Super Bowl

I learned a lot of interesting facts about both teams that played in the Super Bowl. For instance, I learned that the Cardinals were the very first NFL team ever formed. Surprising news. I’m not so surprised that the Cardinals were the first team so much as I’m surprised that there was a first team. Who’d they play?

I learned that Jeff Reed’s hair is very inspiring.

Yes, this is an actual picture of the actual Jeff Reed. Apparently he’s a huge drunk, as well as a great kicker.


I learned that the odds of somebody saying if the steelers win he will get his hair colored the same as Jeff Reed’s, then finding out that there are two hairdressers at the party with the stuff to actually do it is about the same odds as somebody needing a 100 yard interception return for a touchdown with no time left on the clock to make 3 grand on his Super Bowl pool.

I always thought that Bruce Springsteen sounded sweaty, and at half time I learned that he is just as sweaty as he sounds.

I learned that somewhere out there Tyler Dirden is real and working his magic. Check this actual clip of porn spliced into the Super Bowl feed that happened live in of all places Arizona. This version is censored, the real one was not. Can you imagine what they were thinking when they saw it?


Groundhogs Day

To me the term groundhog is misleading because regular hogs live on the ground. Does that mean we should start calling the regular kind of hogs, air hogs? Yea, I’ll start calling them air hogs when pigs fly.

So let me get this straight, if the groundhog sees his shadow we are going to have a late winter, and if he does not, we are going to have an early spring. You do realize this means that if its sunny that’s a bad omen as far as weather is concerned, and if its so overcast that its practically night out, that’s a good omen? Somehow this setup bothers me even more than the fact that they actually use groundhogs to determine the weather.

I think we should add some modern technology into the Groundhogs Day tradition. Like determining if the groundhog sees his shadow via satellite. Or actually sending the groundhog up in a satellite to see if it can see its shadow in space. The second option is really the better one, because the satellite will burn up upon reentry into Earth’s atmosphere, and that way a few days after Groundhogs Day we can have Groundhog Shish Kabob Day.

Beer Fest

The best thing about a beer fest is drinking the beer. But its also a good place to meet women. I’ve noticed that any woman who’s drinking all kinds of good beer, and having fun is usually cool and worth talking to. I’ve noticed you can tell a lot about a guy from what he’s drinking. For example . . .

Domestic Beer = He’s poor and wants to get laid.

Good Beer = He likes good beer and wants to get laid.

Wine = He’s hoping that the wine thing will give him a sophisticated image to help him get laid.

Whiskey = He doesn’t give two shits about anything but getting laid.

Tequila = Piss off, all you wankers, I’m gonna go shag something (somehow drinking tequila makes you British).

White Zinfandel  = He’s gay.

Michael Phelps

So Michael Phelps got caught smoking pot. Do you think he used a water bong?

With his lung capacity I’d had to share a bong with him. You know he’d take the whole thing in one lungful. It would be like sharing coke with an elephant. Or heroine with Popeye.