Nonsensical ramblings: logical or not? That is the question.

So the birds told the beavers that the honey is overflowing these days. With the economy being as poor/positive as it is, certain men and women who used to be men know that when the JUICE is LOOSE, no amount of fear can stop the money from climbing.

Now Modus Tollens might be used to prove invalid arguments valid, but that may not be correct. An argument is always valid unless proved invalid. This is done if all the premises are true and the conclusion is false. So for example, I may say, “Joanne is loquacious” which can be symbolized as P and “Roxanne is somber (q) and Joanne is loquacious” symbolized as p & q. Therefore p. Now assuming p is true and q is true, that would make the conclusion true because we have a T and a true and true = T so T and T means T here.

Swayze-Eastwood Determination

Answer the following five questions carefully and record the number in parenthesis on a piece of scrap paper. If you don’t have any scrap paper handy try carving the numbers into your inner arm with a sharpened stick.

When you see a beautiful woman you…

  • Point at her and make the noise from “Invasion of the Body Snatchers”. (+0)
  • Introduce yourself politely. (-1)
  • Make sure your erection is visible through your clinging unitard and adjust your sweatband in preparation for an introductory dance. (-3)
  • Stare at her until she says “what?” and then reply “It’s not going to suck itself.” (+1)
  • Light a match on your facial stubble and casually throw the lit match into her flammable whore hair. (+3)

You are at a dinner party and someone spills a glass of red wine on your shirt. You…

  • Scream “Alluh Ackbar!” and blow up your explosive harness. (+0)
  • Apologize for causing the spill even if it wasn’t your fault. (-1)
  • Take off your shirt and then slowly and methodically oil your chest in plain sight of the entire party. (-3)
  • Immediately punch whoever is responsible in the solar plexus. (+1)
  • Party? Where are you? How did you get here? Shoot your way out. (+3)

If you could own any car it would be…

  • A library bookmobile filled entirely with hardcore fisting porn (+0)
  • A cherry red Toyota Prius (-1)
  • One of those adult tricycles that you lay back and pedal (-3)
  • A Harley Davidson lowrider with an awesome skull painted on the gas tank. (+1)
  • A dusty hansom carriage that you hijacked from the town’s mayor. (+3)

Your house is on fire and you only have time to save one thing inside. You decide to save…

  • Your prized collection of melted plastic furniture. (+0)
  • Your family photo albums. (-1)
  • Your dream journal. (-3)
  • You carry everything you really need in your wallet. (+1)
  • The list of people you still have to kill to avenge your father’s death. (+3)

You are walking through the woods when you happen upon a rabbit with a broken leg. You…

  • Unhinge your jaw and swallow it whole. (+0)
  • Try to splint its broken leg (-1)
  • Start sobbing and compose a poem about the rabbit to share at your discussion group (-3)
  • Quickly break the rabbit’s neck and then cook and eat it. (+1)
  • It is physically impossible for your eyes to focus on anyone or anything in need of assistance. (+3)

Add up the total from your answers and plot your coordinate on the Swayze-Eastwood axis in pencil. When you have this point plotted draw a line vertically through it extending it both edges of the graph, then continue on to the second set of questions.

Shatner-Kressley Determination

Answer the following five questions carefully and record the number in parenthesis on a piece of scrap paper. If you don’t have any scrap paper handy try calligraphy on grains of rice.

Your wife is drowning in the pool. You’re…

  • Caught in a localized gravity anomaly and unable to move. (+0)
  • Rushing to save her. (+1)
  • Trying to get her attention before she dies to see what she thinks of your new shoes. (+3)
  • Yelling at her for being dumb as you try to pull her out with the cleaning net. (-1)
  • Watching reruns of the comically bad cop drama you starred in on TBS. (-3)

Your girlfriend is coming over for dinner. You plan to…

  • Slam your fingers in door hinges all evening while screaming for her to feed you slices of pepperoni. (+0)
  • Cook up some homemade chicken alfredo. (+1)
  • Serve up delicious seafood cerveche in frosted martini glasses along with a dessert of chocolate glazed truffle and strawberries. (+3)
  • Order hot wings and ask her to get you a beer. (-1)
  • Lay in bed naked and eat half-frozen Sara Lee pies until you vomit on your chest. (-3)

You’re shopping in the mall and you decide…

  • To pick children up by their ankles and run around honking until God makes you stop. (+0)
  • To pick up The English Patient on DVD and have a good cry. I mean, he leaves her in that cave; she dies alone in that cave…oh my God! (+1)
  • Shopping in the mall? I don’t think so girlfriend! New York, Paris, or Beverly Hills. (+3)
  • To see if the game is playing on any of the TVs in Radioshack so you can totally be just like someone in a Circuit City commercial. (-1)
  • To buy one of everything in Spencer’s and then get one of those giant tubs of wedge fries from The Great Potato Imbroglio. (-3)

Your favorite author is…

  • The anonymous person responsible for all those hilarious red octagonal books you see on street corners. (+0)
  • Robert James Waller (+1)
  • Oscar Wilde (+3)
  • Dr. Robert Atkins (-1)
  • The genius behind “TekWar”. (-3)

After many days and nights of grueling work you finally have a day off. How do you relax?

  • Tangle yourself in a hammock and spend the next eighteen hours alternating between trying to escape and trying to fit both of your fists into your mouth at the same time. (+0)
  • Catch up on all of the episodes of Trading Spaces you have TiVoed. (+1)
  • Deep tissue work at Spa Romano followed by a trip to the bath house and some wild anonymous sex. (+3)
  • Finally find out what that apple pie scented candle in your bathroom tastes like. (-1)
  • Sleep 19 hours straight and then roll over and eat cold pizza from your nightstand while absently masturbating to “Modern Marvels” on the History Channel. (-3)