Tips to GUARANTEE Italian Fest Victory For Your Team!

Turbo Bocce, sadly, lost the Italian Fest last year, and I’ve got to say that losing is not my jam (if you were wondering, my jams are Jock, Space, and Pearl,) so I’m going to share some secret bocce wisdom GUARANTEED to result in ultimate victory at Italian Fest.

Tip #1: Always think one step ahead, like a carpenter who makes stairs.

Tip #2: Sting like a bee. Do not float like a butterfly; that’s ridiculous.

Tip #3: Sometimes you’re better at bocce when you drink. Its like playing darts, driving a zamboni, or running away from an out of control zamboni.

Tip #4: If you want your bocce ball to hit the pallino, just pretend you’re Dick Cheney shooting at his friends face. Its not the most current reference, I know, but its not my fault that no current people are shooting their friends in the face.

Tip #5: Give 100%. 110% is impossible. Only idiots recommend that.

Tip #6: Curse a lot. There are no “bad” words. Any word that is good enough for a sailor is also good enough for you.

Tip #7: Be like a biscotti. Have people think you’re this sweet cookie, but actually be a super hard thing that nobody knows what you are or what you’re for.

Tip #8: Remember three P’s. Practice, Practice . . . and I forget the third thing. Parachutes maybe?

Tip #9: When you win the trophy and in your joy get an impulse to kiss it, remember that public displays of affection are best saved for the privacy of your own home.

Tip #10: I’m out of bocce tips, but I can teach you how to hold your breath for 5 minutes . . . the key is not caring whether you live or die.

There is nothing we can’t do if we work hard, never sleep, and shirk all the other responsibilities in our lives – so lets go out there, abandon our friends, families and jobs, and win this tournament!!!!