The Turbo Bocce Top 100 Songs of the Decade: 100-91

I’ve decided to compile a list of what I feel are the top 100 songs of the 2000s. While many of these songs wouldn’t show up on my list of 100 favorite songs, a great deal of them represent the decade better than just about anything else. Since no one else had the gumption, stick-to-itiveness, or wherewithal to make the list on their own, my list is now Turbo Bocce fact. Deal with it. Today I give you 100-91.

100 Crystal Castles – Crimewave (Crystal Castles Vs. Health)

To kick off the list I decided to pick a song that sounded unmistakably 21st century. There’s no question that the chip-tune music and distorted singing couldn’t belong anywhere else but in the 2000s. It’s not a particularly fantastic song in any way, but if you went back 10 years and played if for someone back then it would make absolutely no sense without the context of the 2000s.

99 Snoop Dogg – Sensual Seduction

The video references the 80s and the song over-uses autotune, it’s basically the definition of the 2000s.

98 Blake Shelton – some beach

The song that reminds you that if you drive a foreign car and drink coffee then you’re a giant faggot; also dentists are the scum of the earth. The song basically defines the neo-con revolution that, like it or not, defined the decade.

97 Aventura – All Up 2 You

Aventura takes Akon, Wisin, and Yandel on a Nuvo soaked caper to steal some dude’s briefcase. Without the slightest hint of absurdity, the video opens with the main stars plotting their escapade, but Wisin handily refuses to speak even a lick of English despite the fact that that’s what everyone else is speaking. They dance in a hotel lobby or some shit while the lead singer of Aventura gets in an elevator. That’s it. It’s like the Ocean’s Eleven of Latin music, only Danny Ocean is played by autotune.

96 Noisettes – Don’t Give Up

An energetic rock song with no bullshit. Singer and bassist Shingai Shoniwa works together with guitarist Dan Smith to craft a raucous tribute to the art of never giving up. It’s bouncy and catchy, so here it is.

95 Paul Oakenfold – Starry Eyed Surprise

The early 2000s were a time for really awful rock music that was still emulating Limp Bizkit and took itself far too seriously. At the same time, the electronic dance music world decided that Sandstorm was the greatest song ever recorded and everyone wanted their own version. Out of this world came a collaboration between Paul Oakenfold and, of all people, Shifty, the lead singer of the god-awful Crazytown, that was somehow competent and listenable despite every external indication that it wouldn’t be.

94 B-Hamp – Do the Ricky Bobby

This song is all about doing the Ricky Bobby, stopping, and posing for the frame. The 2000s were filled with songs where every two bit rapper came up with his own dance that he wanted to convince people to do. Every single one of these dances and songs was GODDAMN FANTASTIC. So there you go.

93 Oasis – Shock of the Lightning

When I started making this list I knew that there would have to be an Oasis song on it. The problem, of course, is that while Oasis released three albums worth of music this decade, most of it just wasn’t all that great and couldn’t stand up next to their earlier work. Luckily there were just enough actually good songs that I had a difficult time choosing, so here it is I guess. It was between this and Little By Little, and I finally picked this one. Deal with it.

92 OJ Da Juiceman Feat Gucci Mane – Make The Trap Say Aye

Quarter Brick, half a brick, whole brick AAAY! Quarter pound, half a pound, whole pound OKAY! 100 pillz, 1000 pillz, servin major weight! JuiceMan and Gucci Mane make the trap AAAY! That’s basically the entire song and it’s all you goddamn need to know that it’s awesome. The video is part one of a magnum opus of drug dealing videos. An absurd song for an absurd lifestyle.

911 Toby Keith – Courtesy Of The Red, White And Blue

A jingoistic clusterfuck of a song for people too retarded to understand why 9/11 actually happened. Glorifies the killing of civilians as long as they’re not American. If you ever want to explain the Bush administration to future generations, all you have to do is play this song. They’ll laugh at us for the goddamn drooling morons we are and we’ll feel ashamed for letting that shit go on for EIGHT FUCKING YEARS. We deserve the laughter and ridicule, so just suck it up and take it.