Week 1 Recap and Highlights

A new season is upon us, and I for one think we’re on the brink of something beautiful.

Image result for this is the start of a beautiful friendship gif

But I can’t help thinking we should be doing something special to kickoff the new season. What should it be? How about we take common English phrases and add the word penis to them, you know, for kicks. So, if you’re thinking of an example like killing two birds with one penis then you’ve really hit the nail on the penis.

Standout Performers


In what might have been the marquee game of the week, last year’s 3rd place Tuesday League team faced off against last year’s 4th place team in a battle of power house final four teams looking to take that next step to a championship, and in this game Theos bounced back from a first game loss to take the series 2-1 from Kiss My Ace.

Mean Girls started the year off right with a 3-0 week!

Ball Dykes and Blue Ballz (Wednesday League) each recorded their first ever Turbo Bocce win as rookies. Congratulations! The first one is always the hardest.

Bocce Against the Machine bounced back from an off year last year in a huge way, beating a very good White BALLerion the Dread team all three times, including two wins that required overtime!

Glory Rollers were the new kids on the block last year, surprising everyone with a 3rd place Wednesday League finish. Now they are expected to dominate, and they started the year off really well beating a very good Oscar and Kelly team two games to one.

Dog Brothers faced off against Black Jesus in a battle of two former championship teams, and Dog Brothers won all 3 games. To put the magnitude of this win into perspective, last year Black Jesus had a 25-5 record. Dog Brothers gave them 60% of the losses they had last year in just 1 week!

Blak Jesus losing all three games only happens once in a blue penis.


The Martino family had a VERY good week! Phil lead the above mentioned Dog Brothers to the most impressive win of the week with 20 points 7 bocces and 3 Turbo Round Wins – 2 of which came in the third game and ultimately were the difference in their 13-11 win. Way to be clutch!

Elsewhere in the Martino household, Caity scored 20 to lead the Buff Ave Babes to two wins on the day.

Angela Donahoe put together what I would call a “Siobhan Christou type performance” by tallying 20 points and 3 aces while pregnant. Siobhan, FYI, scored 21 points herself, while having a 7 month old child.

Jessica Haas recorded an impressive 9 bocces in her first ever Turbo Bocce game. Do that every week and you’ll hold the all time record!

Corey Bramhall had a great overall game on Wednesday, but an especially great game 1 with 8 points, 2 bocces, 1 ace, and 2 Turbo Round Wins.

Speaking of fantastic game 1’s, Bobby Lupi scored 9 in his first game on route to a massive 23 point performance.

Amazingly that was not the high for the day. Justin McLaughlin also had 9 points in game 1, and finished with 24 points – only 2 off the all time record!

That 24 point performance is the best thing since sliced penis … that one makes me feel uncomfortable.

Game Highlights

Check out Mark Pollock’s shot! This Turbo Bocce rookie puts on a bocce clinic with his long roll. Unfortunately he was playing team G & T who is one of the best in the league, so he didn’t get any wins out of the deal. Hopefully he got some gin and tonic though.

Mike Aylesworth moves the pallino JUST enough to put his ball in scoring position … that’s called a bocce folks. You get one by knocking the other team out, knocking your team in, or knocking the pallino so that your team goes from out to in. Oh, by the way, Mike and his team are REALLY good. They took all 3 games.

Here’s Jon Roach with a more emphatic bocce than Mike had above. This one took the opposing team from 2 points down to 1. That’s still a bocce because he improved his team’s situation.

Robb Jones wins the indoor winter league, then moves his game outdoors to summer league and makes shots like this … its almost not fair. Gone Fishing did take the series from him though, 2 games to 1 in this battle of title contenders.

Oscar shoots his ball into scoring position with a little help from another one of his team’s balls.

Playing on the hill is tougher than it looks. This shot from Kevan Busa might only look like an okay shot, but keep watching and you’ll see how impressive it really is.

Trust me, I know this bocce field like the back of my penis.

20 Point Club

Justin McLaughlin – Blue Balls – 24

Bobby Lupi – Bocce Against the Machine – 23

Siobhan Christou – Twinning – 21

Sherri Walakis – Blonde Bocce Bitches – 20

Mark Avery Claridge – Top Notch Ball Handlers – 20

Angela Donahoe – Double A’s – 20

Phil Martino – Dog Brothers – 20

Caity Martino – Buff Ave Babes – 20

That’s a HUGE amount of 20 point scorers! I guess birds of a penis flock together.

5 Bocce Club

Jessica Haas – All Is Fair In Love & Bocce – 9

Jody Jones – Alcohol & Desperation – 7

Matt Wieczorek – Theos – 7

Phil Martino – Dog Brothers – 7

Sherri Walakis – Blonde Bocce Bitches – 6

Marty McDermott – Theos – 6

Jayson Gray – Kiss My Ace – 6

Danielle Guffre – Teen Mom III – 5

Colin Donahoe – Droppin Balls – 5

Kim Pomeroy – Blonde Bocce Bitches – 5

Corey Bramhall – Amy & Corey – 5

Every dark cloud has a silver penis.

3 Ace Club

Nicole Morales – White BALLerion the Dread – 4

Matt Wieczorek – Theos – 3

Sherri Walakis – Blonde Bocce Bitches – 3

Phil Martino – Dog Brothers – 3

Angela Donahoe – Double A’s – 3

Out of the frying pan and into the penis.

Multiple Turbo Round Wins Club

Phil Martino – Dog Brothers – 3

Keith Curreri -Some Innuendo – 2

Corey Bramhall – Amy & Corey – 2

No more beating around the penis.

Advice for next week

Check out the Ukrainian Home after you finish your game. They have an expanded food list (I liked the mini tacos, and they only cost three bucks and change), cheap beer (they’ve got a special of 6 European beers for $6 that I saw several people take advantage of), and we play Family Feud there every night. Last week Greg Griffo, Jill Griffo, and Keely Lathrop took the game … way to be able to … Name something you put in your mouth but don’t swallow … Name something a doctor might pull out of a person, and … Name something positive you might say about Dracula if you were setting him up with a girl friend.

Image result for family feud gif their sperm

If you want to play next week, just find the sign up sheet on the bar, and sign it. The game itself will start at 8:45. And remember, not going to the Ukrainian Home after bocce makes no sense … like wearing pants at home.

We’re up the creek without a penis now.